Malcolm: [to camera] I did the math once. It turns out every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
Hal: Hey, look at this. I made a pea angel. [laughter]
Lois: Oh, you're a pea angel. Stop playing with your food. [Lois smiles with her teeth caked in food] [laughter]
Reese: [aims a spoonful of mashed potato] Oh, Mom...
Lois: Don't you dare.
Reese: Relax, I wasn't really going to.
Lois: Then don't.
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Lois: Then don't.
Reese: Well, don't accuse me of something that I wasn't going to do.
Malcolm: [to camera] Interesting mood shift. It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this. So let me just put it this way: [points to Lois] dynamite... [points to Reese] kid with matches.

Dewey: You're going to throw that at Mom?
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Hal: Jeez Louise. Reese.
Lois: Hal, I can handle this. Reese, I'm warning you.
Reese: I wasn't going to. But if you think I would, then maybe I should.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, good. Now he's panicking.
Lois: Just put the spoon down and apologize.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, she gave him an out.
Reese: Apologize for what? I wasn't going to do anything. Just stop talking! Just stop talking and let me think!

Malcolm: Dad, do something.
Hal: I got it.
[Hal flings a chunk of mashed potato and peas at Lois's face and then gasps]
Lois: What do you think you're doing?
Hal: I'm being cute and spontaneous? [Lois laughs]
[As the whole family laugh, Reese is still aiming his spoonful of mashed potato at Lois]
Lois: Don't do it.
Reese: I wasn't going to!
Malcolm: [to camera] Yep, this is a good dinner.

Hal: Honey. We're late. We better hit the road.
Lois: Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car. Okay. I've marked the liquor bottles, and we can taste when they're watered down. I've locked out the smut channel on the TV, counted your father's cigars.
[cut to Lois in the passenger seat of the car as Hal studies a map:]
Lois: I've checked the odometer on the car and the balance on the credit cards. We love you, have a good time. And just remember, Dewey will tell us everything you did while we're gone.
Hal: Uh, what your mother said, boys. [removes cigar from pocket] Minus one.
[After Hal drives off, a moment later the brakes squeak and the car reverses:]
Lois: Don't even think about it!
Malcolm: Think about what?
Francis: She's bluffing.

Hal: Do you think this is going to be one of those long services? [Lois hangs her head] What's wrong?
Lois: Did you know that your family has given me a nickname?
Hal: Really? That's nice. What is it?
Lois: Lois Common Denominator.
Hal: Hey, come on. It's just that they've never seen anyone like you. I mean, you're, you're honest, and, uh... unpretentious. Direct. They're baffled by that. I'm the only one that gets you, Lois, and, frankly, I... I like that. Kind of makes you my secret treasure. [kisses Lois's hand]
Lois: Oh, Hal. [they kiss]
Priest: Between the Lord and us, his servants, two people brought together in love- [Lois and Hal continue kissing]

Francis: [kneels down to talk to Dewey] Well, squirt, looks like I'm going to be going back to military school and I'm not going to see you for a really, really long time. But I need you to be brave. Can you do that for me, squirt?
Dewey: [sobs] Stop, Francis!
Francis: I wish I could, kiddo, but I can't. [digs his fingernails into Dewey's back]
Dewey: Why are you doing this?
Francis: I'm not doing this, Dewey. It's just the way life is sometimes. [Dewey cries] Please stop crying.
Dewey: It hurts!
Francis: I know it does. It hurts me too.
Caroline: Wait! I'll, I'll do it. I guess Jamaica isn't going anywhere.

Dewey: And then there's a big explosion and lots of bubbles. That's where babies come from. [laughter]
Lois: Oh, well, close enough.

Malcolm: They want to see how he does with us this weekend. Okay? So we can't screw up.
Reese: Cool. Let's go tell him.
Malcolm: No. You know how Francis gets when people tell him what to do.
[flashback:]
Lois: I am warning you. If you get your nose pierced, you are going to military school. And I mean it. Really. Do you hear me?
[flashback to Francis in the kitchen with nose rings and studs:]
Francis: Hey, Mom. What's for dinner?

Reese: Right. What are we going to do?
Malcolm: We're going to be good, that's what.
Dewey: How do we be good?
Malcolm: I don't know. [to camera] Honestly, it's never come up before.

[Lois has her leg up on the dashboard as she shaves in the car]
Hal: Are you trying to seduce me?