Malcolm: [to camera] I did the math once. It turns out every 17.4 dinners, my family actually has a pleasant meal together.
Hal: Hey, look at this. I made a pea angel. [laughter]
Lois: Oh, you're a pea angel. Stop playing with your food. [Lois smiles with her teeth caked in food] [laughter]
Reese: [aims a spoonful of mashed potato] Oh, Mom...
Lois: Don't you dare.
Reese: Relax, I wasn't really going to.
Lois: Then don't.
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Lois: Then don't.
Reese: Well, don't accuse me of something that I wasn't going to do.
Malcolm: [to camera] Interesting mood shift. It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this. So let me just put it this way: [points to Lois] dynamite... [points to Reese] kid with matches.

Dewey: You're going to throw that at Mom?
Reese: I wasn't going to.
Hal: Jeez Louise. Reese.
Lois: Hal, I can handle this. Reese, I'm warning you.
Reese: I wasn't going to. But if you think I would, then maybe I should.
Malcolm: [to camera] Oh, good. Now he's panicking.
Lois: Just put the spoon down and apologize.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, she gave him an out.
Reese: Apologize for what? I wasn't going to do anything. Just stop talking! Just stop talking and let me think!

Hal: Honey. We're late. We better hit the road.
Lois: Fine. I'll shave my legs in the car. Okay. I've marked the liquor bottles, and we can taste when they're watered down. I've locked out the smut channel on the TV, counted your father's cigars.
[cut to Lois in the passenger seat of the car as Hal studies a map:]
Lois: I've checked the odometer on the car and the balance on the credit cards. We love you, have a good time. And just remember, Dewey will tell us everything you did while we're gone.
Hal: Uh, what your mother said, boys. [removes cigar from pocket] Minus one.
[After Hal drives off, a moment later the brakes squeak and the car reverses:]
Lois: Don't even think about it!
Malcolm: Think about what?
Francis: She's bluffing.