Francis: It's perfect.
Reese: The house has never been this clean.
Malcolm: Uh-oh.
Francis: What?
Malcolm: It's too clean.
Francis: You're right. They'll never buy it.

Hal: Looks like we're the only ones who gave them pot holders.

Francis: Oh, perfect. Nice touch with the bread crumbs, Dewey.
Dewey: [mouth full] Huh?
Reese: I clipped my toenails on the coffee table.
Francis: Attaboy. She will never know a thing.

Malcolm: Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!
Francis: Malcolm! Malcolm, are you okay?
Malcolm: I think so. Ow.
Francis: Hold still. Come here and let me see it. Let me see it.
Malcolm: How does it look?
Francis: Not too bad.
Dewey: Put his face back on!
Reese: Oh, man, what's that white stuff? Is that bone?

Nurse: Oh, for God's sake. You kids again? And a head injury. You boys like to keep it interesting, don't you?
Malcolm: [to camera] We kind of have a history here.
[flashback to Reese about to hammer a nail into an pressurized can]
[flashback to Francis balancing a meat cleaver on his hand and throwing it up in the air]
[flashback to Malcolm sitting with a pair of scissors in front of his face as Reese sneaks up and pops a balloon behind him]
[flashback to Malcolm spinning his bicycle wheel as Dewey leans into it with his mouth open]

Caroline: Oh, Malcolm! Are you all right? Sorry it took me so long. I was having a chardonnay when you called, and I had to take a cab. Oh, God, I knew we made a deeper connection. I just knew it. Now it's going to be hard to turn against your parents, but in time you'll see-
Malcolm: No! You don't understand. My parents didn't do this. It was just an accident, and they can't find out about it.
Caroline: What?
Malcolm: It's kind of complicated. See, my parents are away at a wedding, and my brother is home from military school to take care of us. And you know, I don't think people should be punished just 'cause their dad uses cheap nails.
Reese: We need $400, lady.
Malcolm: Will you let me talk?! We need the money for the doctor bill, because if my parents find out that I got hurt then they'll send Francis away, and we'll never see him again, and, you know, we love him.
Caroline: Malcolm, I can't do that.
Malcolm: But you said if I ever needed anything-
Caroline: Yes, I was talking about emotional stuff. I- Do you have any idea what a teacher earns? I have $62 in my checking account.
Malcolm: They take credit cards.
Caroline: I'm sorry. I'm- I'm, I'm just sorry.