Francis: Way to take one for the team, buddy. When we get home you can eat ice cream until you puke.
Dewey: [still sobbing] Yay.

Stevie: "Dear... Penthouse".
Malcolm: "Yesterday I pushed my friend Stevie down some stairs."
Stevie: Point... taken.

Dewey: And then I drew a robot, Francis. But my crayon broke. And then I had a Popsicle. I mean, I had 12 Popsicles. You like Popsicles, Francis?
Reese: Shut up, Dewey. Stop bugging Francis. I'm so glad you're home. You don't know what it's like dealing with these little kids all day.

Lois: Boys! The number for the hotel is on the counter. I left money for pizza, but I want a receipt and exact change.

Francis: Okay, I am going to show you guys the coolest thing you have ever seen. Get me some lighter fluid, a waffle iron and one of Dewey's stuffed animals. The furrier, the better.
Malcolm: Actually, we're kind of tired.
Francis: Tired?
Reese: Yeah. Tired.
Dewey: I'm not tired. [Malcolm elbows Dewey] Okay, yeah, I'm tired.
Reese: Let's just go watch TV.
Francis: Whatever.

Francis: Did you see Circus break that cinder block with his head? That's a good lesson for you guys. It didn't break the first six times. But did he quit trying? No, sir.

Malcolm: I heard Mom and Dad talking. This weekend is like a test for you, or a trap. If you do good, they may let you come home.
Reese: And if you don't, they're gonna toss your butt back into military school.
Francis: Okay, look-
Malcolm: Francis, it sucks around here without you. Can't you just try for our sake?
Francis: Look, guys, I appreciate your sentiment. But they're not going to decide my whole future based on how I behave over one weekend without even telling me about it. It's too arbitrary. It's unreasonable.
Malcolm: It's Mom.
Francis: Okay, let's clean up.

Lois: Well, that was worth driving 600 miles for.
Hal: Who was that guy?
Lois: It's the groom, Hal.
Hal: I wish people would wear name tags at these things.

Francis: [phone ringing] Don't answer that.
Dewey: [answers phone] Hello.
Lois: Hi, Dewey.
Dewey: Hi, Mom.
Lois: We're just calling to check in. Let me speak with Francis. [Francis gestures to Dewey]
Dewey: He's in the bathroom.
Lois: Oh. Well, let me talk to Malcolm.
Dewey: He's in the bathroom.
Lois: They're both in the bathroom? What are they doing in there?
Dewey: I have to go to the bathroom. [hangs up]

Francis: We have to get you stitches. Let's go to the hospital.
Malcolm: No! You can't. Mom and Dad will find out.
Francis: Malcolm, this is a head injury. You could have a concussion.
Malcolm: [to camera] Concussion? I think he's making too much of this. I'm not as figgled as he hoogers. [to Francis] No! I don't care. I'm not going to the hospital. Do you hear me? There is no way that I- [Reese holds up a mirror] Get the car!