Reese: Here, Mom, this is from me.
Lois: Oh, it's so heavy. Wow! Reese, are these jams?
Reese: And candies. I had some sugar left over, so I figured, why not, it's Christmas.
Hal: You made this?!

Hal: Rest stop. Everybody out. No eye contact with strangers. [chuckles] [sighs] Look at 'em scamper. [Lois stares at Hal] You don't need to?
Lois: No.
[As Lois keeps staring straight at Hal, he turns the radio on. Lois instantly turns it off without breaking her gaze.]
Lois: You couldn't have said twice as good as Disneyland?
Hal: You saw those presents, Lois! What was I supposed to do? My presents were crap! What did you make them?
Lois: Lanyards.
Hal: Still better than what I had. Look, I underestimated these boys, Lois, and they deserve to have a really great Christmas. How much money do we have?
Lois: Zero.
Hal: No, I mean everything: credit cards, loose change, everything?
Lois: Oh. Minus $512.

Hal: What? Oh, for God's sakes. Can you think of a Christmas reason for stopping somewhere I can sell blood?
Lois: Oh, Hal, don't worry about it. It'll be okay. You just need to find something that's a thousand times better than Disneyland, open on Christmas day and free.
Hal: Just because it's hard, Lois, doesn't mean it's impossible. I am going to make this happen.
Lois: Hal, we don't even have enough gas to get home.
Hal: Yes, we do. I did all the calculations, Lois. We're exactly 40 miles from the point of no return. And I promise you, I will figure out a plan by then. If not, I will turn the van around. Just don't rat me out. Please, honey. It's Christmas.

Malcolm: Francis, I need to talk to you about something. It's weird, but lately I kind of feel like I'm being left out by Reese and Dewey.
Francis: Aw, geez. Look, I'm sorry. You weren't supposed to know about the beach trip.
Malcolm: What?!
Francis: Hey, geez, watch it!
Malcolm: What beach trip?!
Francis: I took Reese and Dewey to the beach last summer. I would've invited you, but you were over at Stevie's.
Malcolm: He lives two blocks away! You have to go by his house to get to the beach! [sighs] Why is this happening? I'm the brother everybody likes the best.
Francis: What are you talking about? I'm the brother everybody likes best.
Malcolm: I meant of the brothers who are still at home.
Francis: That's Dewey.
Malcolm: What? Where am I in the pecking order?
Francis: Malcolm, I am not gonna stand here in a public toilet and rank me, Dewey, Reese, Jamie and you in order of popularity.

Malcolm: Look, I know we don't talk about our emotions, but I don't care anymore. I'm just going to lay it out there. My feelings are hurt. There, I said it. They're hurt because you guys are systematically excluding me. Being excluded is extra hard for me because I see all the other places I don't fit in, and we're brothers. I really want us to be in this together.
Francis: What a gasbag. Your feelings aren't hurt. Your ego is bruised.
Reese: The reason we exclude you sometimes is because you're a drag. You always have to be the special one.
Francis: Even now, this is all about how you feel things more deeply than everyone else. Look, we love you. We just need a break from you once in a while.

Lois: Okay, honey, you've got 20 seconds.
Hal: [whimpers] ... Lois, there is going to be a Christmas!
Lois: Hal, no!
Hal: [screams] Oh, no! I seem to have slipped in an oil stain left here by a negligent owner or employee.
Lois: Hal!
[Hal winks at Lois before he crashes backwards through the gas station window]
Manager: Oh, my God! Are you okay?
Hal: Yes... damn it!
Manager: Oh, thank goodness. I don't have any insurance. We both dodged a bullet. After I sweep this up, you're getting wiper blades on the house.

Lois: Hal.
Hal: You know what? I saw a trail behind here that leads up into the hills. There's probably something really great up there. All we need is a few flashlights to get started.
Lois: Hal, it's time for you to face the boys and tell them what's going on. Hal, they're good boys. They forgave you for banjo camp; they'll forgive you for this. And I will try sharing the blame with you, but honey, this has got your fingerprints all over it.

Dewey: Mom, Malcolm has a credit card, and he bought you Christmas presents with it.
Hal: What? Malcolm, you bought those presents, after everything I've been through? We all worked so hard to make this a special Christmas, and you just took a cheap shortcut!
Malcolm: Those clocks cost 50 bucks each!
Hal: I don't care what they cost! This isn't a competition, Malcolm. You know, all I really want from you on Christmas is this!
[As Hal hugs Malcolm, he reaches into his son's back pocket, takes out his wallet and grabs Malcolm's credit card]
Hal: I forgive you, son.

Manager: That's a room for the night, ski passes and equipment rentals. Will you be putting that on your credit card?
Hal: Let's give it a shot. [credit card is approved] Oh, yes! [chuckles] In your face!
Lois: Hal, this is the low point, isn't it? We're not going to sink any further, are we?
Hal: What are you talking about?
Lois: You've stolen our son's credit card. If it weren't for my rage and your recklessness, our kids might have a fighting chance.
Hal: Lois, those are the exact things that make us great parents. If it wasn't for your anger and my recklessness, we wouldn't be on this amazing ski vacation, would we?

Hal: Okay, so who wants some hot chocolate by the fire, huh?
Dewey: Yeah.
Manager: Enjoy your stay, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Thanks.