Malcolm: What are you talking about? I can play music if I want to.
Lois: I'm sorry, honey, you can't. Your brain doesn't work that way. You don't have that kind of creative spark.
Malcolm: What?
Lois: See, Dewey is a flyer. He'll just drift and float through life, and things will turn out for him. Now, you and I, we're burrowers. We're at our best when our heads are down, and we're grinding through a mountain of drudgery.
Malcolm: You don't know that.
Lois: Yes, I do.
Malcolm: You actually think you know what I'd be good at before I even try it?!
Lois: That's right.
Malcolm: Oh, really? Then tell me, how would I be at scuba diving, or mountain climbing, or Flamenco dancing.
Lois: Bad at scuba diving, good at mountain climbing. Flamenco dancing, a disaster. I'm not trying to hurt your feelings, I'm just telling you what I know.
Malcolm: It's a good thing you weren't John Lennon's mother!
Lois: If I were John Lennon's mother, he'd still be alive.

Reese: Dad, you have to understand. The reason I missed so many days of school, was that the calendar on my watch stopped. I thought it was Saturday all week.

Malcolm: I have something I want you guys to hear. I've been practicing. Really practicing a lot. And I had an idea for a song. I don't know if it's any good or not, but it really means something to me. Do you mind if I play it for you?
Lois: Of course not, Malcolm. We'd love to hear it.
Malcolm: [plays guitar and sings] No one knows Just what I've been through I can't stop The pain inside me Now I'm staring Out my window Children play They seem so happy. Why are we here Going nowhere? Why does my life feel so empty?
Dewey: [sings] Meow, meow, meow, meow...
Malcolm: What are you doing?
Dewey: That's the Meow Mix song. [sings] No-one knows just what I've been through, meow, meow, meow
Hal: [sings] Now I'm staring out the window
Both: Meow, meow, meow, meow.
Lois: I want chicken I want liver
All: [sing] Meow Mix, Meow Mix, please deliver. Now you know that cat meow means Meow Mix, Meow Mix
Malcolm: Okay, okay, stop it! God, I've just spent two days of my life rewriting the Meow Mix song. I poured my heart into this. I actually got tears in my eyes writing it. How pathetic is that? I clearly have even less talent than you gave me credit for. [exits]
Hal: Should we tell him the kid recovered from the tick bite, and the trip to Europe's off?
Lois: No. Let him return the guitar first.

[As Hal and Lois play Scrabble:]
Hal: I think I'll get another cup of tea.
[Hal goes into the kitchen where Malcolm is studying]
Hal: B-K-U-J-I-R.
Malcolm: "Jibku", a small featherless bird from southern Africa.
Hal: Love you, son. Go ahead and blow off curfew this weekend.
[Hal returns to Lois at the table]
Hal: Well, well, well, look what we have here, I was just reading about one of these...
Malcolm: [to camera] "Jibku" isn't a real word, but "Nasqeb" is a Viking toothpaste and Mom got 162 points for it.

Malcolm: Ow! Leave it alone! No-one can even see a zit back there!
Lois: Just stop squirming, so I can clean it. You know, a little more effort on your personal grooming wouldn't kill you. Sunday nights before bed, your father goes over every square inch of his body with a hand mirror.

Reese: Are you still asleep?
Hal: [talks in sleep] The dogs were right. I got to get her a great present!
Reese: Dad, your shoe's untied.
Hal: Of course! [tries to tie bare foot] Thank you.
Reese: Yeah, you are going to have to get her a good present. She's a great lady. In fact, I don't know why, but she wants you to give me $20.
Hal: [gets $20 from a fixture on the wall] That's good. That's good. She'll know what to do.
Reese: Thanks.
Hal: I don't know the answer. Tell me. Tell me, now!
Reese: Okay, calm down. I think you're going to have more success if you can relax, make me a B.L.T. with avocado, and open up a bag of chips. Then you can sit at my feet and purr while I eat.
Hal: That's it!

Lois: Reese, what do you think you're you doing?
Reese: Look, there's something you should know. Dad's been sleepwalking every night for the past week. He's in the kitchen right now, making me paella.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Reese: It's because he's stressed out about picking a present for your anniversary.
Lois: Oh, you're kidding.
Reese: Don't worry, right now he'll do anything you say, and he won't even remember the conversation the next day. So, you can go out there, and end his suffering. He's a good man. Treat him right. Oh, and don't make him drink out of the toilet. It's not as satisfying as you think.

Lois: I gotta get to work. You make sure your father gets out of bed. I don't know why, but he hasn't slept for the last four nights. So, if you have to, yell "fire". If that doesn't work, set one.

Hal: Wha- Why would your mother buy me pants without a zipper?!
Malcolm: Dad, you have them on backwards.
Hal: Malcolm, I need your help. Our 20th anniversary is coming up, and I've been going crazy trying to think of the perfect gift for your mother. It has got to be something really fantastic, and I've got nothing!
Malcolm: Maybe you're trying too hard. Why don't you just do something simple? You know, get a bottle of champagne, watch a sunset, recite a poem to her.
Hal: So, you just use the genius thing on yourself, is that it, son?

Malcolm: Oh, my God! Do you remember that summer seminar in Arizona that I applied for last year?
Lois: Yeah, you didn't get it.
Malcolm: I know, but somehow my name was entered as an alternate for a Study in Europe program. The guy who was supposed to go was bitten by a tick, and now basically lives in a hyperbaric chamber. So, I get to go in his place!
Lois: Slow down, Malcolm. We can't afford to help you with that.
Malcolm: That's just it! It's all paid for! I'm going to Paris, Prague, Munich, Vienna. I'm going to be staying in castles!
Lois: This is an incredible opportunity.
Malcolm: This is the luckiest thing that's ever happened to me! I have to do something to protect it.
Lois: What?
Malcolm: It's like I feel I should balance it out, somehow. You know, give something back, so I don't lose it.
Lois: Listen to you. Something wonderful happens and all you can think about is how the world's going to take it away. You're growing up.