Dewey: Mom, I have a proposal for you. Now, before you start poking holes in it, I'd like you to hear me out. All I want is no more school and no more big boy clothes. I'd liked to be bathed and rocked before I go to sleep and have all my food mashed up. In return, I'll be adorable and...
Lois: Are you wearing a diaper?
Dewey: I want you to know my level of commitment. [clenches face]
Lois: [o.s.] Oh, my God!

Lois: Malcolm, Reese, get a move on! What on earth are you doing?
Malcolm: I have to practice being in a wheelchair.
Lois: Oh...
Hal: I suppose that makes sense. You never know. All it takes is one horrible accident, and you end up in one of those for the rest of your life.
Malcolm: It's just for basketball.
Hal: That's the spirit.

Abe: Hello, boys.
Malcolm: Mr. Kenarban, don't you think it's ethically suspect for someone to participate in wheelchair basketball if they're not actually handicapped?
Stevie: Even if... his best friend... needs to win... for his mother?
Abe: [chuckles] Son, after being gone two months, your mom will be happy as a duck just to see you.
Malcolm: I know she's been gone a long time, Stevie, but it just doesn't feel right to me.
Stevie: I've always... been there... for you.
Malcolm: Please don't do this to me.
Stevie: Seventh grade... first dance... open fly.
Malcolm: All right, fine. But I'm sick and tired of you throwing that in my face all the time.
Stevie: Save it... for the game.

Dewey: This whole growing up thing's unfair. When you're born, everything's perfect, but before you know it, it all goes bad. Every day, you get a little less attention, you got to do more stuff, and they love you a little less.
Lois: No. That's just this family.

Hal: Reese! What is taking you so long?
Reese: Why don't you just admit it - nobody in this house cares about my hair but me!

Hal: Stevie is certainly excited about his mother coming home tomorrow.
Abe: Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago. She's never coming home.
Hal: What?
Abe: Kitty isn't on a business trip. She divorced me two months ago. She's never coming home.
Hal: What?
Abe: Kitty isn't on a business trip...
Hal: No, it's not that kind of "what." Stevie thinks she's coming back tomorrow.
Abe: I know I should have told him, but every time I'd look in his face... You know me, Hal. I've always had a hard time being... you know... direct. That was one of my problems with Kitty. That, and the utterly mechanical nature of our sex life.

Dewey: [holds a bottle of baby food] By what stretch of the imagination is this considered one full serving?
Lois: Not now, Dewey.

Otto: Francis?
Francis: [o.s.] Yes?
Otto: You haven't taken care of Paint Can yet, have you?
Francis: What kind of a question is that? If I had, would I be hiding from you?
Otto: It's all right, Francis. It's unfair of me to put this burden on you. We will do this thing together. Just think. We will be sending her to a much better place, with open fields and cool mountain springs where she can run all day, and horses ride people. Unless, of course, she's been a bad horse. Then she will have to spend eternity in a lake of fire, with a delicious bale of hay just out of reach.
Francis: Otto, I've never killed anything bigger than a poodle. And that was a total accident.
Otto: Francis, as hard as it will be, I know we can do this. No one said the cowboy life was easy. I'll meet you here at 5:00, after yoga.

Malcolm: Stevie, what are you doing? I've seen you do wheelies up and down this ramp.
Electronic Voice: Why don't you find yourself another project? Lloyd looks happy. Why don't you destroy his family?
Malcolm: Stevie, I know what your mom did was horrible, but you've got to stop feeling sorry for yourself. Get mad. That's what I would do if my mom walked out on me. Okay, not my mom. But the point is, you have every right to be angry.
Electronic Voice: You're right. That's exactly what I needed to hear. Thanks very much.
Malcolm: There you go.
Electronic Voice: This thing sucks at sarcasm.
Malcolm: Fine. "My mommy left me, and now I'm a helpless baby." Well, I'm not going to let you just sit there and feel sorry for yourself. Think fast. [throws ball at Stevie] Come on, you're not that big of a wuss.
Electronic Voice: You are not in charge of how big a wuss I am.
Malcolm: I know you can use your arms. Catch it! [throws ball] Look at the helpless little boy in the wheelchair. Look at the little cripple. Are you going to cry? Are you going to cry, little cripple boy? [throws ball] Ooh, it's a baby in a wheelchair. [to camera] I might be going down a bad road here, but if I stop before I make my point, this could look kind of bad. [throws ball] "Wah, wah, I'm a little baby. I can't move my legs. Where's my mommy?"
Principal: [to two big jocks] Kick his ass.

Malcolm: Stevie, for the last time, I'm not going to partner up with you for wheelchair basketball.
Stevie: I smell... chicken.
Malcolm: I'm not in a wheelchair. It's creepy. It's taking a spot from somebody who's really handicapped. Why don't you ask that drooling kid with the hot nurse?
Stevie: Norm's... a ball hog.