Lois: Sorry it's so cramped, Piama. This van really isn't designed to carry seven people.
Piama: Oh. I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats and the seven seat belts.
Hal: Uh, Francis, how's that ranch job treating you?
Francis: Oh, great. Never a dull moment. In fact, last week I got to castrate a bull calf.
Dewey: What does castrate mean?
Piama: Ask your mother.

Malcolm: [to camera] Francis is home visiting with his wife, Piama. It's been so nice around here since they came.
Francis: Good dinner, Mom.
Lois: Please. It's completely overcooked. You must really be hurting for some decent cooking.
Malcolm: [to camera] See? Mom's so busy being mean to Piama, she doesn't even notice us. We've been getting away with murder.

Hal: [answers phone] Hello? Uh, hi, Claire. [whispers] It's my sister! Oh, God. I'm gonna hang up on her.
Lois: No, Hal. Find out what she wants.
Hal: So what's up? Uh-huh. Family reunion this weekend for my Dad's birthday. [on the phone] I'm sorry, Claire, but I'm having foot surgery, so we'll have to pass.
Lois: No, Hal, it's been too long already, we should go.
Hal: But you know what, my foot feels fine now. So, I'm going to cancel that surgery and we'll see you Saturday.
Lois: Wait a minute. They're inviting us only two days before we have to be there? Forget it, Hal. They don't want us there.
Hal: But you can never be too careful with feet.
Lois: Which is exactly why we should go.
Hal: What am I thinking? I've already had foot surgery. Okay, so we'll see you Saturday.

Hal: You know, I have always wanted to know how to castrate a bull calf. Tell me about it.
Francis: Well, it's fascinating stuff. We use this tool called a burdizzo. It looks like a giant pair of pliers. And the calf has to be restrained so that it doesn't kick... [time lapse] So once you cut off their blood supply, they shrivel up and are replaced by fat tissue.
Hal: What a great story, Francis. It really made the last hour and a half fly by.

Piama: What are you going to do?
Francis: We don't know. We never know.

Malcolm: [to camera] We had to get out of there pretty fast for our own safety. It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle.
Lois: I am so very disappointed in all of you. I don't care what those people did, that was no way for you to behave. Right, Hal?
Hal: Yeah, you boys are on notice. If you ever drive a golf cart over a catered dinner and into a swimming pool again... there will be consequences. Dire consequences.

Dewey: So what's Grandpa like?
Malcolm: He's okay, but the rest of Dad's family treat Mom like crap. They're jerks.
Dewey: Rich jerks, and Grandpa's the richest of them all. And he loves kids; just say and do what I tell you, and we'll be set for life.
Malcolm: You're nuts.
Reese: Look, it's too late for you and me, but Dewey's still young and adorable. Although we do have a narrow window to work with. In a year, you're gonna look like a freak.

Malcolm: [to camera] It figures this is the side of the family we never see. Meanwhile, the grandma who goes shopping in her bra visits five times a year.

Reese: We did some good work today. Tomorrow, we'll hit Grandpa with the "Good Ship Lollipop" number right after breakfast.
Dewey: I want to swim in the pool.
Reese: You can swim in the pool when we own the pool. Nice angle you're working with Grandpa, Malcolm. I have to admit, you're getting a lot of face time, but when he croaks, all he's gonna leave you is that stupid Civil War crap.
Malcolm: Reese.
Reese: You can have it, but I want it out of the house.

Reese: Nice touch with the backwards "E." You've got a real gift for this butt kissing stuff. We are so in.
Dewey: What do you mean "we"?