Francis: Ma, you got to let us hide in here; these kids- What's wrong?
Lois: Oh, I forgot to pack my good shoes. I can't believe this. What am I supposed to do? All I've got are my sneakers. I'm supposed to take them off and run around barefoot like a hillbilly in front of these people?
Francis: Mom, it's just shoes. Relax.
Lois: Oh, Francis, it's not just shoes. You have no idea what it's like trying to please someone else's family and always coming up short. [to Piama] And would it kill you to dress up a little for a family picture?

Malcolm: My socks are itchy.
Hal: Malcolm, I hear your sock itchiness and I'm glad you're telling me about it. You boys should know that I am here for you anytime you want to talk about anything. After we get this picture taken, I'm going to spend some time with each of you because I am involved and into everything that's going on with this family. Where's your mother?

Reese: I guess we just kissed off a six-figure trust fund.
Dewey: I told Grandpa you tied me to the golf cart.
Reese: What?! He still likes you. Nice, we're back in the game.
Dewey: Yeah.

Walter: Dewey! Goodness, you've grown! I bet you don't even remember me.
Dewey: Yes, I do. You thang to me when I wath thweeping.
Walter: You remember that?! Why, that's adorable!

Piama: Hey, untie his hands and give him his pants back!

Walter: You're the only grandkid I've let in here. These are my most precious possessions.
Malcolm: Cool.
Walter: Oh, never mind that stuff. You don't want to waste your time with a bunch of guns. Take a look at this quartermasters' ledger books. This is where the war was really won. Take a look at this. Notice anything?
Malcolm: Oh, yeah. The numbers don't add up here.
Walter: What?
Malcolm: In that column. The numbers add up to 1,286 but the total at the bottom says 1,179.
Walter: I was just hoping you'd notice how the S's look like F's but this is incredible. I think this quartermaster was skimming rifles. This is the kind of thing that gets your name in the Civil War Quarterly. Good job, Malcolm! Let's see what else this guy was up to!

Francis: Okay, you want a story, here's a story. It's called "The Kids Who Couldn't Play By Themselves."

Francis: And then the little boy, about your age, was found hanging in the moonlight, strangled by his own intestines. And there was just enough life left in him to say... "You're next!" [all screaming]
[cut to the kids all hiding in the kitchen cupboards with knifes:]
Piama: Come out! He was lying. It was just a story.

[dream sequence:]
Hal: All I want is two seconds of honest, human conversation with my own father. I mean, what is so awful about me that he has to distance himself with jokes and silly faces?
Jesus: Hal, you're not going to make any progress if you keep personalizing other people's problems. We've talked about this.
Hal: You just don't get it. How could you? You don't have any father issues.
Jesus: I'm blessed.
Hal: There's got to be some way to break this cycle. Some way to make my dad let his guard down and engage me on an emotional level- Are you even listening?
Jesus: Sorry.
Hal: Oh!
Jesus: Hal, the answer to this is simple. You just have to look at your life. Look at what you've accomplished. You have a good relationship with your sons. They can talk to you about anything. You have a wife and home and family a lot of people would envy. You're past this.
Hal: You think?
Jesus: Yes, I do. Hal, you're all grown up.
[Hal wakes up in bed]
Hal: [gasps] Uh-oh.
Lois: What?
Hal: I- I wet the bed.

Hal: Oh, that tears it, Lois. You know I've been telling myself that everything's okay, but my bladder knew different. I am not leaving here until I've had this out with my dad.
Lois: Hal, are you sure you want to do this?
Hal: Lois, he just sits by while everyone treats you like a dog, when they're not treating you like a servant.
Lois: It's not that bad.
Hal: Did you notice last night when you gave Helen your chair and she flipped the cushion over before she sat down?
Lois: No.