Hal: Okay, tangible assets. How do we expect to find anything? We just shove stuff in boxes. Look, there's a fortune cookie in here.
Lois: Wait, here's something we already did. This'll save time. We already decided Malcolm gets the coin collection.
Hal: Great. What coin collection?
Lois: You remember that proof set we had hidden in the closet? The one that Dewey found and swallowed...
Hal: Oh, yeah, that was 500 bucks down the drain. And not one dime in the strainer.

Lois: You can't blame the way Francis is on me.
Hal: You- You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' weekend at the military school. You two got into a sword fight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a tee-ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, "You shut up." Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born.
Lois: He started it.
Hal: What?
Lois: Nothing.
Hal: No, no. You said he started it. What does that mean?
Lois: Just leave me alone.
Hal: How the hell can a baby start anything?
Lois: I don't know, Hal. It's just, everything started so badly right after he was born.
Hal: What, the staph infection? What does that have to do with anything?
Lois: I was stuck in a hospital without my baby. Completely isolated. For six weeks, all I could do was lie there and-and worry about him and think about how much he needed me to nurse him and to and to hold him. And when they finally let me out, I run home as fast as I can to take care of poor little Francis, and when I get there, I discover he's happy. He couldn't have cared less I was gone all that time. You were taking care of him. He was happy as a clam. I was just an intrusion.
Hal: Honey, I had no idea...
Lois: I know it's wrong and I know it's creepy and I can't help it. I'm the worst mother of all time.

Hal: Why do we have to do this in the middle of the night anyway?
Lois: I will not have the boys see us writing a will. If they start thinking about a future without us, we'll totally lose control.

Lois: Okay, let's forget about the finances. "Property transfer to the surviving spouse." We can do this. I think that whoever goes first, the other one Is going to want to stay In the house with the kids until... What?
Hal: Nothing.
Lois: Why are you looking at me like that?
Hal: No, I'm just, you know... Just I've always known that you'll die first.
Lois: What?
Hal: And then I'll commit suicide a few days later. I don't want to live without you, Lois.
Lois: What?!
Hal: Oh, don't act so surprised. We both know what I'm talking about.
Lois: No, I- You're wishing me dead?! Why would you say such a thing?
Hal: Oh, and there is no reaction at all to my suicide. Oh, that's a real eye-opener.
Lois: What makes you think that I am going to die first?
Hal: Honey, you just have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.

Hal: I just don't let the stress get to me. I haven't had any special training; it's just my way.
Lois: You are going to pay for this.
Hal: Oh, see, that kind of comment doesn't help anyone.
Lois: I'm sorry, I only just learned that I am a human time bomb.
Hal: And you're not the least bit curious about how I'm going to do it?
Lois: Oh, you are not going to kill yourself. You can't even rip off your own Band-Aids.
Hal: I happen to be very hairy, but this is different. I have thought this through. It is going to be beautiful and romantic and it's going to make everyone forget about your stupid funeral.

Lois: Hal. Wake up. It's time.
Hal: What? Already? The baby's not due for a month. I told you it wasn't conceived in the elevator. It was Dewey's parent-teacher conference. Here, there's something in this one. Let's go.
Lois: No, Hal, I'm not having the baby. We said we'd finish making out our will tonight.
Hal: Tonight? I didn't agree to that. Besides, how do you know you're not having the baby? You're not a doctor. Come on. I'll meet you there.
Lois: Hal, I have both sets of car keys. And I took the seat off your bike.

Hal: I'm telling you, Lois, we are not equipped to deal with these issues. We get into a giant, stupid fight every time we work on the will.
Lois: Hal, last time we tried this was ten years ago.
Hal: And it led to a fight. You called me thin-skinned and overly sensitive.
Lois: Hal, you can stall all night, but we are going to do this.
Hal: Fine. I'll get a pencil. [sharpener whirring] [sharpener whirring] [sharpener whirring] This pencil's too short.
Lois: Hal.
Hal: Oh, all right.

Lois: Whatever happened to the silver tea set?
Hal: The boys pounded it into a suit of armor.
Lois: Wedding china, antique stemware, hand-blown crystal butterflies. Why did we even buy those? Hal, we have fewer assets today than we did ten years ago. We can't be this broke. We just can't be. Where are the bank statements?
Hal: Right here. Checks and everything, but you are not going to find anything helpful. By the way, I would like it noted that I tried to avoid this whole evening because I knew this would happen. Maybe in the future, you'll trust my judgment.
Lois: You spent $300 on sequins?

Hal: Oh, my God. Do you realize how much money we spent sending Francis to military school?
Lois: That one we couldn't avoid. He needed the discipline.

Lois: Just remember, we're not doing this for ourselves. We're doing this for the children. What if there was a terrible accident and we had no plan? Our poor boys would be alone and defenseless.