Lois: Why would a bank let us keep an account this messed up? There are checks out of sequence... Look, a check from next year. And this is two different checks taped together.
Hal: What difference does it make, Lois? You know better than anybody. We are in the crapper.
Lois: You sound like you're blaming me.
Hal: Oh, you're blaming me?
Both: We both agreed that you would be in charge of the finances.
Hal: This may be part of the problem.

Lois: I can't believe that you are wishing me dead and insulting my personality.
Hal: Calm down, Lois. I am just pointing out that I am the far more relaxed person.

Lois: Okay, I think we both have a lot to apologize for. I am sorry for pulling your hair.
Hal: I'm not proud of the Dutch rub. Or the ear twisting.

Lois: Hal, this is hard enough without you getting us sidetracked. This isn't about Francis. This is about our children. You know what I mean.
Hal: Why is Francis such a bad idea? He's working, he's married. He's showing responsibility. Look, I will be the first to admit that Francis was not the easiest kid for you to deal with, but he has changed.
Lois: Oh, yeah. Big change. He quit school, moved 3,000 miles, and married someone that he knew for exactly 20 minutes. You can't make life decisions on a whim and be a good parent. A good parent understands that actions have consequences.
Hal: Lois, we are parents precisely because we can't remember that. You have never been able to give him credit for anything good he does.
Lois: Good he does? Like what?
Hal: Like... Look, I am not a performing seal, Lois. I can't just bark out a list of good deeds while you take a bow and throw me a mackerel out of your fanny pack.
Lois: I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.
Hal: No, no, no. You can't get out of this by playing the "my husband is crazy" card. It didn't work with the airport security screener, and it is not going to work now.

Hal: It's just as much my fault. We've just never gotten this right. We are utter failures as parents. I mean, look at this pigsty. Look at how we live.
Lois: Why are we bothering even making a will? All we can leave our children is misery.
Hal: We are a walking advertisement for forced sterilization. Who are the idiots in Washington that allowed us procreate? I mean, this family is an unmitigated disaster.

Dewey: Ow! I hit my head! Ow!
Lois: Shh. Honey, honey, calm down. Let me have a look.
Dewey: It really hurts. It's bleeding, isn't it? I know it's bleeding.
Lois: Dewey, what's 19 times five?
Dewey: I'm in... What?
Lois: 19 times five. Try to figure it out.
Hal: Yeah.
Dewey: Well... ten times five is 50, so...
Lois: County or St. John's?
Hal: St. John's. Pediatric emergency opened again.
Lois: Okay, Dewey, everything's going to be fine. [on the phone] Yeah, for Dr. Flannery. Please tell him my son Dewey got a bad bump on his head. My husband will meet him at St. John's. They'll be there in ten minutes.
Hal: Okay, sport. Field trip.
Dewey: Can I have a box of apple juice?
Lois: Oh, all we have is apple-cherry.
Hal: Of course that's all we have.
Lois: We're the worst parents in the world.