Lois: You can't blame the way Francis is on me.
Hal: You- You honestly don't see your part in all of this? Parents' weekend at the military school. You two got into a sword fight. You dragged him off the field in the middle of a tee-ball game because you thought he gave you a look. His first words were, "You shut up." Lois, you two have been at each other's throats since the day he was born.
Lois: He started it.
Hal: What?
Lois: Nothing.
Hal: No, no. You said he started it. What does that mean?
Lois: Just leave me alone.
Hal: How the hell can a baby start anything?
Lois: I don't know, Hal. It's just, everything started so badly right after he was born.
Hal: What, the staph infection? What does that have to do with anything?
Lois: I was stuck in a hospital without my baby. Completely isolated. For six weeks, all I could do was lie there and-and worry about him and think about how much he needed me to nurse him and to and to hold him. And when they finally let me out, I run home as fast as I can to take care of poor little Francis, and when I get there, I discover he's happy. He couldn't have cared less I was gone all that time. You were taking care of him. He was happy as a clam. I was just an intrusion.
Hal: Honey, I had no idea...
Lois: I know it's wrong and I know it's creepy and I can't help it. I'm the worst mother of all time.

Hal: Okay, tangible assets. How do we expect to find anything? We just shove stuff in boxes. Look, there's a fortune cookie in here.
Lois: Wait, here's something we already did. This'll save time. We already decided Malcolm gets the coin collection.
Hal: Great. What coin collection?
Lois: You remember that proof set we had hidden in the closet? The one that Dewey found and swallowed...
Hal: Oh, yeah, that was 500 bucks down the drain. And not one dime in the strainer.

Lois: Okay, let's forget about the finances. "Property transfer to the surviving spouse." We can do this. I think that whoever goes first, the other one Is going to want to stay In the house with the kids until... What?
Hal: Nothing.
Lois: Why are you looking at me like that?
Hal: No, I'm just, you know... Just I've always known that you'll die first.
Lois: What?
Hal: And then I'll commit suicide a few days later. I don't want to live without you, Lois.
Lois: What?!
Hal: Oh, don't act so surprised. We both know what I'm talking about.
Lois: No, I- You're wishing me dead?! Why would you say such a thing?
Hal: Oh, and there is no reaction at all to my suicide. Oh, that's a real eye-opener.
Lois: What makes you think that I am going to die first?
Hal: Honey, you just have that kind of personality. You operate at a very high level of stress.