Lois: Craig, I need you to cover my Friday night shift. There's a Lifetime movie I want to see. Heather Locklear is a welfare mom trying to get her kids back.
Malcolm: [to himself] Friday?
Craig: I wouldn't want you to miss that, Lois. I cried my eyes out at the part where...
Lois: Shh!
Craig: Right. We'll talk later.

Malcolm: Craig, how could you let her do that to you?
Craig: I would have totally spilled the romance with the hunky social worker.
Malcolm: No. Why do you let her push you around like that? She didn't even ask. She just assumed that you'd have nothing better to do than to pick up her crappy shifts. That's not right. She does this all the time. She takes advantage of you without any consideration of your feelings. Doesn't that upset you?
Craig: I guess I am a little cheesed off.
Malcolm: There you go. I knew you were too much of a man to let her get away with this. You're gonna show her that Craig Feldspar can't be pushed around.
Craig: Thank you, Malcolm, for opening my eyes. You've awoken a sleeping giant, and he's very cranky.

Boy: Here's your seat, Reese. All warmed up. And a low-carb lunch just like you asked for.
Reese: No, thanks. I brought my own lunch today. [puts down a blood-soaked lunch bag] What? You can't have blood sausage without the blood, can you? You'd better get moving. I have science next period, and those lab stools are freezing.
Carrie: Is it okay if I sit here?
Reese: This is on a dare, huh? If you have to touch me, I'm okay with that, but I have to approve any photographs.
Carrie: No, it's just that I couldn't sit and watch kids eating the flesh of murdered animals.
Reese: Is that the special?
Carrie: Is that why you're sitting alone? Are you a vegetarian, too?
Reese: Yes, I am. [elbows blood-sausage bag of table] The very thought of eating meat makes my taste buds cry in disgust. I just thought I was the only one.
Carrie: You're not alone.

Craig: Hey, Malcolm. Did you know that henna parties were so last year? I had no clue.

Malcolm: Craig, I just checked the schedule and it still says that you're covering for my mom Friday night. I thought you were going to do something about that.
Craig: Oh, I think she suffered enough. [whispers] Her name tag's been on upside down all night.
Malcolm: Craig, don't you want to be taken seriously?
Craig: I'm taken seriously.
Malcolm: No, you're not. Especially not by my mom. She has nothing but complete and utter contempt for you.
Craig: That's not true.
Malcolm: Oh, yeah? She said the reason she ever makes eye-contact with you is because the rest of you is too hard to look at.
Craig: She did?
Malcolm: And you think she doesn't know that her name tag's upside down? Of course she does. She just doesn't care, because it was only Craig the doormat who did it. You mean nothing to her. Nothing at all. You have to stand up to her. For once in your life, Craig, be a man!
Craig: I hate her! [sobs and runs away]
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, so I lied and destroyed a man so I could go to a concert. I'll get him a T-shirt.

Lois: What are you doing?
Hal: Trying to instill in Dewey the values sadly neglected by Mr. Milton Bradley in those cowardly Parker Brothers. I mean, how does kids are supposed to learn about how life really works? Not from that G-rated fairy tale. You can't just play a "Joy In The Circus" card and walk away scot-free.
Lois: "Found A Tumor?"
Hal: That takes you to the Chemo Spinner.

Reese: [on the phone] Oh, come on, Carrie, you've got to get over this vegetarian hang up. You can't honestly tell me those animals were innocent. They were sent to the slaughterhouse for a reason. And if you don't think they're planning some kind of uprising, you're just deluding yourself. [line disconnects] Hello? She didn't have an answer to that one, did she?

Lois: Malcolm, do you know what's going on with Craig?
Malcolm: No. Why?
Lois: He left this bizarre weepy message on the answering machine. I mean, it's more bizarre and weepy than usual. Did something upset him at work?
Malcolm: Oh, right. I think they switched from cylindrical-shape ice cream scoopers to the conical ones. He took it really hard.

Hal: [sleepily] Well, Dewey, looks like you pulled another "Debilitating Depression" card. Back to the lockdown ward for you, my friend.
Dewey: Dad, we've been playing all night. Can't we stop?
Hal: That is exactly what I'm trying to teach you, son. You can't just quit when things get tough. You have to grind it out day after day after day to feed your kids, to pay your mortgage. That's how real life works. Unless, of course, you pull the "Suicide" card. Oh, but there's very few of those in the deck. Well, my turn.

Carrie: Reese, I still don't understand what we're doing here.
Reese: I've worked here all this time and I didn't understand.
Carrie: Understand what?
Reese: This is a crime against nature. Would you like to be slathered in a delicious sauce and charbroiled to order? I don't think so. [opens gate]
Carrie: Whoa, wait up.
Reese: You're free! You're all free! Go and live your lives! [to a young cow] Earn this.
Carrie: You're a hero, Reese! Look at them run!
Reese: It's beautiful, isn't it? I mean, besides the flies and crap and stuff.
Carrie: Oh, my God! They're heading onto the freeway!