Hal: Six, seven, eight. I win!
Dewey: Wow. I got to tell you, Dad, I really thought this was just going to be another one of your stupid, useless lessons, like the time you made us nurse that rabid squirrel back to health. But this one really worked. I can't believe it, but I really learned some valuable things about life and about how the world really works. Thank you.
Hal: That's loser talk!
Dewey: What?
Hal: I am living in Successful Estates while you are being buried in a piano box! [laughs] In your face, drug addict! Hotcha! I won! I won! Oh, yes, indeed, I won! [cheers] I won, I won, I won...

Reese: There. I've just got to remember third, fourth and ninth leaves and every other tomato.
Dewey: I don't understand wou can't just eat vegetarian for one meal.
Reese: You know I get my headaches if I go too long without meat.
Dewey: And you don't see lying to Carrie as a problem?
Reese: Come on, Dewey, tell me how this is any different than her wearing makeup? It's not about me it's about her fantasy of me. And I owe it to her to live up to that fantasy. Now hand me that stapler. [staples bacon to inside of baseball cap]

Carrie: This is amazing. Isn't it great finding someone with the same values?
Reese: Exactly. We couldn't be more on the same page. [Carrie grabs Reese's baseball cap] Hey, give me back my hat!
Carrie: You want your hat back, come and get it.
Reese: Oh. Oh, no.
Carrie: Hey, look at those gorgeous dogs.
Reese: Who gives a crap? I mean, except us. When is America going to finally realize that dogs are not our enemy?
Carrie: Wow, they really love you.
Reese: Yeah. This happens all the time. I guess they can smell that I really love animals. Get out of here, you mangy bastards!
[Reese notices a rasher of bacon sticking out from under his cap which Carrie is wearing]
Carrie: What? What's wrong, Reese?
Reese: Hey, you know what I realize? That is not my hat.
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Reese: Some crazy guy just shoved it of my head and took off. I have no idea what's inside of it!
Carrie: Oh, my God, is this bacon?!
Reese: That's not mine, I swear! I've been set up! And that is not my pork chop! Oh, my God, the conspiracy goes all the way to the top!

[dream sequence:]
Female Voice: [o.s.] That's him!
Male Voice: [o.s.] He's the murderer!
Reese: What?! No!
Hen: He ate my husband!
Chick: He deep-fried my parents!
Bull: Order! Order in my court. Let's behave like animals, people.
Pig: Your Honor, the defendant is charged with 63,428 counts of murder!
Reese: What?!
Pig: Each count is by the slice!
Reese: It's not my fault you're all so delicious! This isn't fair. Say something.
Chicken: [clucks]
Reese: That's not what you said in the hallway. I didn't do anything wrong!
Pig: Didn't do anything wrong? Your Honor, I'd like to present some evidence. I warn you, these photographs are extremely graphic. [animals groan]
Reese: What? That's just my breakfast. [animals groan] Is anybody else getting hungry?
Pig: Your Honor, the defendant obviously shows no remorse for his crimes.
Bull: I've heard enough. You make me sick to my stomachs. I say he's guilty. How does the jury find?
Sheep: Guilty!
Reese: That's not fair. They're just following you like sheep.
Bull: You have been found guilty by a jury of your food. I sentence you to be lightly seared and served with a Cajun peppercorn sauce.
[Reese wakes up screaming]

Lois: Oh, morning, Reese. I'm making sausage for breakfast, your favorite.
Reese: No way! You can't pin that on me! I'm innocent! I'm innocent, you hear! [runs out]

Malcolm: [to camera] I wasn't going to say anything until he got to the banjo stuff, but he'll be dead before sundown. [to Lois] Mom, I think there's something you should know. Remember last week when you asked Craig to cover for you on the schedule?
[later:]
Lois: You ruined his life so you could go see some band?! Are you that selfish?
Malcolm: Apparently, because there's a part of me hoping you'll still let me go. [Lois glares at Malcolm] Okay, that part's gone.
Lois: Get in the car! We got to go find him!

Craig: Just help me back on my hog. I'll be fine. Thanks. I'm good to go.
Lois: Oh, Craig, don't be ridiculous. You're not going anywhere.
Craig: Why? Do you need somebody to paint your lawn or mow your house?
Lois: Look, Craig, Malcolm told me about that. I admit I take you for granted sometimes, I apologize for that, but we can talk about that later. You have to come back.
Craig: I can't.
Malcolm: Why? Craig, come on. Aren't you interested at all to see how my mom punishes me?
Craig: No.