Craig: Malcolm. There you are. Remember last week when you were trying to figure out how that spill got cleaned up?
Malcolm: No.
Craig: But remember those vitamins getting pulled from the shelf, and the ice cream case getting cleaned, and those socks being left out to dry and all those other things that seemed like they were happening by themselves?
Malcolm: Not now, Craig.
Craig: I figured it out. I know what's going on. The store is haunted.

Reese: Oh, my God. Winston, is that you? Geez. I thought you were going to look totally gay as a butterfly, but you look amazing. Harv? And Julio. I knew you'd be one of the first. You were always the head of the class. This is fantastic. Look at all of you guys. Wow. I forgot how many of you there were. [chuckles] Okay. That's a lot of fluttering. That's enough. [nervous chuckle] Get off of me. Get the hell off of me! [screams] Help! Help!

Dewey: Wow, another great night's sleep. No fighting for blankets, no elbows in my face, or anything worse. Just all the room in the world. Don't freak out when you get into your side of the bed. It looks bad, but most of it's only a Moon Pie.

Malcolm: Wait. How long's "a while?"
Norm: Three years... in January. I was going to move over to foot care, but once you get unpacked, it's...
Malcolm: You've been living in this store for three years? Are you crazy?
Norm: I don't know. I just... [whispers] Malcolm, I had this super high-pressure job. People were constantly hounding me for answers, decisions, budgets, signatures. My- My nerves were a total wreck. I was wandering around here waiting for my Xanax refill, my- my cell phone and BlackBerry both going off, and I saw this crack. And I decided to hide in there, just for a few minutes, and... it was fantastic. I didn't want to leave. And then I didn't, and no one noticed, so I just stayed.
Malcolm: You never left the store in all that time?
Norm: You guys are pretty well-stocked here. Lots of canned goods, toiletries... Every day I clean a different third of my body in the bathroom sink.
Malcolm: But you can't just live here.
Norm: Why not? I-I pay for everything I use, I help out whenever I can. I clean spills, I change light bulbs. I have saved Craig's life at least five times.

Hal: Okay, Reese.
Reese: [whispers] Ssh. Dad, they're pupating. They need peace and quiet while they're developing their delicate new-
Hal: We got to dump the bugs.
Reese: What?!
Hal: Sorry. Your mother wants them gone.
Reese: No, you can't do this. They never hurt anyone. They have no protection, no one to watch over them.
Hal: Oh, crap, I'm too late. You bonded with them, didn't you? Well, welcome to my world. Now you're stuck with feelings of unjustified love for a bunch of mindless, ungrateful eating machines. See how you like it. At least yours will be dead in a month.
Reese: Then I can keep them?
Hal: Throw them under the tarp with the Playboys. And you better be a sullen jerk to me in front of your mother so she doesn't get wise. You got that?

Reese: Mom didn't go shopping. There's no snacks.
Dewey: I don't want to watch a movie without snacks.
Reese: There's always... trail mix.
Dewey: Yeah. Trail mix.
[montage of the Dewey and Reese scooping out scraps of food from under the couch cushions and under the couch itself]
Reese: Good movie.
Dewey: Yeah. [bites into a button]

Lois: All right, here's Jamie's schedule for the next two weeks. He needs a bath at 6:00, 8:00 and before he goes to bed.
Hal: We talked about Jamie's schedule. I want to talk about our schedule.
Lois: We already talked about that schedule.
Hal: I know, but I like coming home for lunch to be a special treat, not just for my survival.
Lois: Well, I'm not happy about it either, but working graveyard is just part of the job.

Malcolm: I didn't see anyone though.
Lois: Nevermind.
Malcolm: Wait, aren't you even curious how that happened?
Lois: Malcolm, everything doesn't have to be fascinating.

Hal: [to Jamie] Now it looks like the guy in the hockey mask is dead, right? But just keep your eye on that coffin. [to Reese] Hold it. Why aren't you at work? I don't want to hear that you're too good to crawl under houses poisoning rats all day. There are ten guys with MBA's who would love to have that job.
Reese: I didn't quit. I showed up this morning and the cops were there. It turns out Mr. Krijak was renting out his gas tanks for parties. Now I have to dump this stupid box of caterpillars... for free!

Reese: Have a nice death, puss-bags. [a caterpillar crawls on Reese's finger] Hey! Get off of me. Oh, a tough guy, huh? Hey... Cut it out, that tickles.