Malcolm: Craig, did you do this?
Craig: Do what?
Malcolm: Those vitamins that were recalled. Did you clear off this shelf?
Craig: Doesn't sound like me. Six coats of wax, and I buttered up my socks. The record's going down.
Malcolm: You know, things have been getting really weird around here. I mean, think about it. Last night, all the clocks in the display case were synchronized to the same time. And the night before that, all the fingerprints were cleaned off the freezer doors.
Craig: Malcolm, I think you're forgetting the graveyard shift motto: "Who cares?"

Lois: [to herself after sweeping the parking lot] It doesn't matter if no one else knows. You know.

Hal: Okay, Dewey gets the pancakes and eggs. And Lois has the veal parmesan.
Lois: Oh, look at you, Jamie. You have changed so much in just a week. Your head's almost symmetrical.
Hal: You better eat up. Don't you need to be in bed before I go to work?
Lois: Honey, I'm spending sometime with my son who I've barely seen in the last week.
Hal: You've got 18 years for that. I'm only asking for ten minutes.

Malcolm: Craig. Take a look at this.
Craig: If you don't mind, I'm trying to get in a quick nap before my break.
Malcolm: Seriously. Check out this guy. He's here, and then two hours later he's still there, only in a different outfit. And three hours later, he shows up again in another outfit. Whoa! Did you see that?!
Craig: Malcolm, please. If I don't get my 16 hours, I'm a bear.

Norm: You're not going to tell on me, are you?
Malcolm: I don't know.
Norm: What about Wendy? I know you like her. And I can help you. I see her all the time. I overhear her conversations. I know everything about her, like why she broke up with her last boyfriend.
Malcolm: Why?
Norm: Will you let me stay?
Malcolm: Yeah, all right. [to camera] Okay, so I'm entrusting my love life to a burned-out hermit who lives behind a ball cage. That doesn't make me a desperate loser. I'm doing it anyway.

Norm: I overheard her on the phone saying she's sick of guys who play games. She says she just wants someone who's honest and straightforward.
Malcolm: That's great. I'm totally honest and straightforward.
Norm: Actually, you're more like blunt and aggressive. But that's okay. You just got to slow down, give yourself a chance. She spent 22 minutes and 18 seconds looking through Hallmark cards. She needs to be treated gently. Here's some stuff she likes. Movies, music, shampoo brands, paper towels... Uh, well, some of it's more useful than others, but learn it all. When the time's right, you can show her how much you have in common with her.
Malcolm: Thanks. This is great.
Lois: Who are you talking to?
Malcolm: Um, I was just singing. [sings] Thanks, this is great, As long as we're together, girl. Yeah. In my car.

Hal: No, Reese, you're not coming in here with those.
Reese: But they'll freeze to death out there!
Hal: I'm sorry, son. I already promised your mom I would get rid of them. And I have four or five other lies in the fire I can't jeopardize. The bugs stay outside.
Reese: Fine. Then I'll... I'll... I'll fight you for it.
Hal: Reese, you already fought me for the last English muffin two weeks ago, and I cleaned your clock.
Reese: But this time, I'm fighting for something I love even more than those muffins!
Hal: Keep your voice down. You're going to wake Jamie.
Reese: Good. I want him to hear what kind of heartless monster his father really is. Come on, old man, let's go.
Hal: All right. But if I throw my back out again beating you up, I am going to kick the crap out of you.
[As Hal walks out of the house, Reese sneaks around him and takes the box of caterpillars into the house and locks the door.]

Craig: Great. She lets that guy walk, but makes a federal case whenever I put my phone number in with the birth control pills.

Wendy: Hi, Malcolm.
Malcolm: Oh, hey, Wendy. Did you get the blue irises I sent you?
Wendy: Yeah, I did. How did you know those were my favorite flowers?
Malcolm: Well, you know, I guess we just really have a lot in common. Like loving grilled cheese and tomato sandwiches and Stephen King books. [chuckles] I wouldn't be surprised if you were a big Coldplay fan, too.
Wendy: What the hell are you doing? Following me around? Are you stalking me?
Malcolm: No. No, no. I guess we're just really in sync. Is that so weird? I mean, sometimes two people-
Wendy: You stay away from me, creep.
Craig: Don't worry, buddy. Even I get that sometimes.

Dewey: Dad, the toilet lid was up, and Jamie's tongue is blue again. [Hal knocks on the door] Did you spend all night out there?
Hal: My choice. It's very bracing out there. Now why don't you help me into the shower and see if we can't save your dad's toes.