Lois: I still can't believe Mr. Barnes let you borrow his fancy RV. This is so classy. This is like Buckingham Palace on wheels.
Hal: He ripped one on the elevator just before the CEO got on, and I took the blame for it. That's the way things work in the corporate world.
Lois: You're unselfish, and it paid off.

Reese: Help me get this grate off. I'm gonna ditch out when we slow down for a turn. I am not going to Burning Man with Mom and Dad.
Malcolm: Reese, we're in the middle of the desert.
Reese: I know what you're thinking. The road runners are too smart to catch and eat. But the coyotes are idiots.

Hal: What's this? The food's all green.
Lois: I added a little food coloring. It's artistic. I'm being artistic.
Reese: Mom's right. I always thought art was just stupid paintings of old dead guys in drag, but I was wrong. Art can be doing something, or even undoing something. Like when I blew up the Muller's mailbox, that was art, and I didn't even know it.
Hal: Green eggs and toast. I do not like green eggs and toast.

Man: This guy's really captured something here.
Woman: This piece is as vicious as it is funny.
Hal: What are you looking at?! Haven't you ever seen a man sweep his lawn with a broom before? [applause] Okay, that's enough. I've had it. Go on, get out of here, you punks. [crowd cheers] [someone throws a frisbee at the R.V.] What the hell is wrong with you people?! Doesn't anybody have respect for personal property anymore? You can think about that for a few days until I give this back to you. [crowd cheers]

Hal: Wow! This stuff is gorgeous. We really have to get some for the house. Howdy! Just getting the old homestead set up. Best hamburgers and dogs you've ever tasted are on me when I get this baby fired up, huh? [chuckles]
Woman: What's he doing?
Man: It's performance art. He's skewering the empty banality of the modern suburban dad.
Hal: Honey, where'd I put my good basting brush? Honey? Honey?
Woman: This guy's good.
Hal: No one told me there was a looky-loo convention in town.

Lois: Boys, cookies!
Reese: All right!
Lois: Nuh-uh, not that one. I put Dewey's antibiotics in that one. Take this one. It's biggest.
Reese: Did you put anything in this one?
Lois: Of course not. Just take it. Then take this one 20 minutes later.

Reese: There's no doubt about it, we're totally gonna go this year.
Malcolm: Totally. It's not even a question.
Reese: What's there to question?
Malcolm: Nothing. Because we're going.
Reese: We're totally going.
Malcolm: Totally.
Dewey: Oh, God, Burning Man again? Every year it's the same thing. "This time we're totally going!" "Oh, yeah, totally!" And every year you chicken out with some pathetic excuse. My personal favorite was last year's "really bad Slurpee headache."
Reese: See? That is exactly the kind of ignorant talk I'd expect from someone who doesn't have any appreciation for what Burning Man is. A week of freedom out in the desert, naked women, getting back to your primal nature, naked women, people doing art, naked women.
Dewey: Are all the women naked?
Reese: [punches Dewey] That is all you heard, isn't it?

Lois: Hitchhiking?! Hitchhiking on the highway like hobos?!
Hal: Thank God your mother undercooked the chicken last night, or who knows when we might have found out about this?!
Lois: What were you thinking?! Sneaking off in the middle of the night to go to some overblown keg party in the desert!
Malcolm: That is not what Burning Man is all about. Burning Man is an incredible, interactive experiment in human creativity, where you do art just for art's sake, and you make music from instruments that came to you in dreams. It's the one place where you're free to let go and really see what you're capable of creating without worrying what anyone else thinks! That's what Burning Man is all about! [to camera] I think she actually might've bought that.

Anita: Ooh, what do we have here?
Malcolm: I stepped on a cactus. The needle went right through my shoe.
Anita: Let's take a look.
Malcolm: It's not a big deal. I think I just need some disinfectant and a band-aid and I'll be- [woman sucks Malcolm's foot] Ma'am?
Anita: Mmm. You've internalized a lot of criticism, haven't you?
Malcolm: Well, I don't know. I guess. But what does- [woman sucks Malcolm's foot]
Anita: Okay here's your problem. You have an incredible amount of passion in your soul. But you've got to let down the armor you're using to shield it. [spits out] You also need a tetanus shot.
Malcolm: [to camera] Okay, she's almost as old as my mom, and obviously crazy as a loon. So why am I so turned on?

[montage:]
Anita: Most Western medicines numb the body. They silence it. But the body's an amazing thing, Malcolm. It can tell you what's wrong with it. All real healing is just listening. I don't see anything alternative about that.
Malcolm: I just don't see colonizing space as the answer. I mean, if we can't solve our problems here, what's the point of just exporting them there?
Anita: Even Werner Von Braun said that everything science taught him strengthened his belief in the continuity of spiritual existence after death.
Malcolm: Okay, I buy that Godzilla came out of the collective purging of Japanese guilt after World War II, but can you explain to me why the costume had to look so fake?
Anita: Well, let's see... First I'd say The Go-Go's. Then The Bangles, Bananarama and Josie and the Pussycats.
Malcolm: I can't believe it! I hated Charlotte's Web, too! I just wanted to squash that whiny little spider.
Anita: Deep Dish.
Malcolm: Chocolate chip.
Anita: Oscar the Grouch.
[later:]
Malcolm: [to camera] Wow. And I thought all that crap everyone said about love was just to piss me off.