Dewey: [to himself] I bet orphanages don't take family trips. Or kids raised by animals. How come they get all the breaks?

Malcolm: Who's stupid idea was it to come here, anyway?
Hal: I'm with you, Malcolm. We don't belong here. This place is full of freaks and weirdoes. And now your mother and Jamie are out there with them, doing God knows what. You're going to be okay, Malcolm, because you are just like me.
Malcolm: I am?
Hal: Well, sure. They say we're stubborn, they say we're closed-minded, but I say there's nothing closed-minded about shunning ideas that make you scared and uncomfortable.
Malcolm: Yeah.
Hal: And who cares if they say we're afraid of life? Life is scary. Life is things eating things. I say let everyone out there go ahead and eat each other. You and I we're gonna be in here together, safe and sound.
Malcolm: I've been a total idiot. I've got to get over myself. [exits]
Hal: Where are you going? Don't walk away from me when I'm talking to you, young man! [crowd cheers] [Hal screams as people surround the RV] Get off my property!

Lois: [topless] Reese. You behave yourself, young man. You hear me?
Hal: You look incredible, honey. Now get in the van.

Lois: This Burning Person sounds like it's gonna be a lot of fun. What a great idea, Malcolm.
Reese: Yeah. Maybe next year we can take Grandma to Mardi Gras.
Malcolm: You think I enjoy having powers that I can't control? Believe me, I'd much rather be as stupid as you are.
Reese: Don't try sucking up to me now.

Hal: Hey, you boys check out the flat screen TV back in the bedroom? And the two-thirds-scale fold-down pool table? Boy, we're gonna have so much fun in this baby! [Dewey uncaps a bottle] Whoa, whoa. What was that?
Dewey: I just opened an apple juice for Jamie.
Hal: And now you can close it back up. I thought I was clear about this. The camper is going back without a single stain, smudge, smell or dent.
Dewey: Yeah, but I really think Jamie-
Hal: D-D-D-Dewey, what is the rule?
Dewey: This one RV is worth three of me.
Hal: Okay.

Lois: Hey, neighbors! I'm gonna do art, too. I brought my paintbrushes.

Hal: Okay, let's get moving here. Reese, Malcolm. I want you guys-
Dewey: They're gone. They shimmied under the RV and took off running.
Hal: Oh. Well, then I guess it's up to you to help me set up a protective perimeter around the camper. We'll need about 40 rocks, at least the size of bowling balls. I'm sorry, son. You snooze, you lose. Now, come on, come on. Don't let the flies get in.

Nate: Oh, Stanley was a buddy of mine. We've been coming to Burning Man together almost 20 years. Anyway, he passed on over the winter, and he always said he wanted his ashes scattered here, kind of as a way of spreading the spirit of Burning Man to the people and the family he loved.
Reese: And you're allowed to do that? Spray a dead guy on people?! I got suspended for a week for putting a mouse's head on the end of my pencil.

Dewey: Dad, do I have to circle the whole thing? I can't find any more rocks.
Hal: Son, look, we might be in the desert, but we are still civilized people, and civilized people put up arbitrary boundaries that they will fight to the death to protect. I'm pretty sure we passed some nice-sized rocks when we turned into the camp.
Dewey: That's half a mile away!
Hal: Don't be silly. Two miles, easy.

Lois: Hal, this place is so great! I met the nicest group of gals down by the Porta Potti's. They call themselves a "tribe," like a group of wild Indians. Isn't that cute? They invited me to the hemp-braiding tent later.
Hal: What are you using the Porta-Pottys for when we have the world's greatest toilet ten feet away in the RV? That thing will suck down a small deer. [looks at the corwd] Mention free food and they start gathering like flies.