Lois: Oh, thank you, Francis. This is the nicest thing you've ever done for me. I am so proud of you. You can go vomit now.

Hal: Well, let's go! Your mother's in labor! We just wasted 45 minutes in the security office.
Reese: Just our luck we get a rent-a-cop trying to make sergeant.
Dewey: I think he made you pee in that jar just because he could.
Hal: You boys have really outdone yourselves this time. Now, I'm going to take your mom to the hospital, and I'm not going to hear one word out of any of you until we come back with the baby. [car crashes]

Abe: That was like moving a concert grand.

Lloyd: Hi, is Malcolm home?
Piama: No, and we're in-
Lloyd: I just need to use his notes for my biochem homework.
Piama: This really isn't a good time.
Ida: You don't say hello to your own grandmother?
Lloyd: I'm not Malcolm. We've been through this before.

Lois: [groans] Oh, God, the baby is pressing down so hard on my cervix!
Francis: Well, good, looks like everything's under control here. Piama and I are going to head out back to the ranch.
Lois: What are you talking about?
Francis: Nothing! You think I'm running away? You think being here when my own mother gives birth is- is making me so intensely uncomfortable I've made up a fake excuse to leave? That is not even a tiny bit true.

Craig: Okay, clothes for babies, names for babies, truck drivers dressed like... ew.

Malcolm: So, anyway, we just feel awful, and that's why we really want to take this class.
Fran: Oh, my God, you should feel awful. You're horrible children.
Reese: That's our point.
Fran: Well, I suppose everyone deserves another chance. All right, you can take the class.
Malcolm: Thank you.
Reese: Ah, we're in.
Dewey: Yes!

[fantasy: Hal is in a cage at a kennel:]
Hal: Oh, boys! Boys! Over here. Pick me, pick me.
Malcolm: Wow, look at this guy.
Hal: Yeah!
Reese: That is the ugliest dog I've ever seen.
Malcolm: What did he roll in? I'm gonna be sick. Oh, look at this one.
Hal: No! No, please come back. Please, please, please!
Malcolm: Can someone shut this yappy one up?
Hal: That's right, Dewey. Come back to Daddy. Pick Daddy.
Dewey: Can we take this one's collar and put it on the good one?
Hal: Collar? What? No! No! [howling] No! No! No! No!

Ida: Do you know those animals are in your backyard right now pacing back and forth like it's Africa? When this is my room, they don't come within 20 feet of the door.

Lloyd: I'm gonna need that computer.
Craig: Not today, squirt. Lois is about to have a baby, and I'm in charge of research.
Lloyd: She's hot.
Craig: I can't work with someone looking over my shoulder.