Lois: Okay, everybody. Just got back from the doctor and everything's fine, but baby's a little bit bigger than expected.
Hal: So, instead of having the baby in two weeks like we thought, we're going to induce labor on Thursday.
Dewey: Thursday?! This Thursday?!
Reese: You can't do that!
Hal: Oh, what difference does it make? It's just six days sooner that our lives are over.
Lois: Hal.
Hal: And our new, more fulfilling lives begin.

Hal: Hey, there's a car show at the convention center.
Malcolm: Yeah, let's spend the whole day looking at cool things that we'll never get to own.
Lois: Oh, come on, Malcolm, if we only looked at stuff we could afford, all we'd ever see is crap.

Lois: Mom? This is a surprise. What are you doing here?
Ida: I'm moving in.
Lois: What do you mean you're moving in?
Ida: You are family, you will take care of me.
Francis: This is ridiculous. You have a condo. It's nicer than this house.
Ida: It burned down.
Lois: Mother, you can't just- How did your house burn down?
Francis: It was the villagers, wasn't it? [Ida's discarded cigarette burns the couch]
Ida: It's a mystery.

Lois: Why don't you go stay at Susan's? She has four extra bedrooms and a satellite dish.
Ida: Your sister should stick her head in a can of beans!
Lois: What?! She's always been your favorite. She's the only one you called when Dad died.
Ida: She isn't my favorite anymore! She called me bitter! Then she hung up on me. On me! Or maybe I hung up on her. Who remembers? Either way, she should rot in hell.

Lois: Mom. There's something important that I have to tell you.
Ida: What is it?
Lois: You are a horrible mother! You've always been a horrible mother! My whole childhood you'd bully me and ignore me and trivialize my feelings and you'd do nothing but heap praise on my sister until I felt like I was worthless in comparison!
Ida: Well, now she's worthless. I've got a right to change my mind. But just because your sister disgusts me more than you do doesn't give you the right to talk to me like this!
Lois: I will talk to you any damn way I want, you hateful old woman! You are leaving! Wow! I don't know how I finally summoned the strength to do that, but it feels great! Now I'm not asking you, I'm telling you! Get out of my house!
Ida: No.
Lois: What?
Ida: You heard me. I said "no."

Lois: Mom, wake up.
Ida: [wakes up] Take the children. Just let me live.
Lois: Remember, I didn't want to do this.
Ida: Do what? [knocking]
Lois: That's the police. You see what you've driven me to? I've actually called the police on my own mother. They're here to cart you away.
Ida: How could you do this to me?! After everything I've done for you? We're family, for God's sake! [Lois opens the door] Good. You're here. That's them. Get 'em out of here.
Lois: What?!
Ida: They've been stealing from me. I want them out of my house.
Lois: Wait a minute. No, this is my house!
Male Police Officer: Folks, let's just slow down.
Ida: I have the deed. It's in the safety deposit box at the Valley Federal Bank. Number 24866. You can check.
Lois: No! I have the deed! It's, uh, yeah, uh... It's in a shoe box. It's under- It's under my bed... Well, I don't know where it is, but this is my house!
Ida: You devious, ungrateful girl! She's done nothing but lie since the day I took her in.

Ida: And her big boyfriend thinks he's so tough. How tough is it to hit an old woman. [sobs and moves near to the police officer]
Francis: You dirty old! This is what she does. [grabs the police man] You have to stop her. You have to stop her!
[cut to Francis being held on the floor by the police officer:]
Francis: As I was saying, she is a very clever woman, and if you knew her as I do, you too would be suspicious of her story.
Female Police Officer: And on Monday, when the bank opens, Whoever actually has the deed can go get it. Then you apply for a court order and the whole thing should be straightened out in six to eight months.
Male Police Officer: You can get up now, sir. [Francis groans] And if you hurt a single hair on that old lady's head, I'll be back. Off duty.

Malcolm: Hey, I do your taxes. I know what you and Mom make. I know how much you're spending, and I have a pretty good idea what it costs to have a baby. [Hal sighs] You guys are going to be at least 70 bucks In the hole every month. By the time the baby starts school, You're going to be $18,000 in debt, and that's where they'll cut you off. You're going to be bankrupt and ruined.
Hal: Something will come up.
Malcolm: You can't keep saying that.
Hal: Fine. I'm a failure as a father. I'm a terrible provider. Is that what you want to hear?
Malcolm: No. But I have a way to fix it.
Hal: What's this?
Malcolm: It's from the Martindale Academy. It's this amazing prep school... but it's in London. They're offering me a complete scholarship. Tuition, housing, everything. If I'm not home... you just might make it. I'm totally willing to do it.
Hal: Absolutely not. You don't get to leave.
Malcolm: But you...
Hal: Malcolm, you're our only hope.
Dewey: Hold this.
Hal: Sure. Now let me explain something to you. Whenever your mother or I say "Something will come up" or "Things will work out," that is our code for "Malcolm will think of something."
Malcolm: But-
Hal: We need you. The family is only a family as long as we all stick together.

Steve: Hello. Everybody decent? I used my spare key to get in. I hope you don't mind.
Lois: That's why you have it. So you can come over anytime you want. Mom, these are our neighbors. Steve lives next door. Malik is on the other side. And Trey lives across the street.
Trey: [laughs] Why, Lois, you make it sound like you're... surrounded. [Ida fumbles with a cigarette]
Steve: Allow me.
[Steve takes Ida's cigarette and lighter, puts the cigarette in his mouth, and hands them back to her. Ida backs away.]
Malik: Well, hello. And who is this fine lady? So what you doing later on? 'Cause I like that wagon you draggin'.
Ida: [screams and runs out] [guys laugh]

Hal: [on the phone] So, we're just pulling out of the garage right now. Got it on the oldies station. They're doing a Beatles "A" to "Z." Can you think of a Beatles song that starts with "Z"? 'Cause, frankly, I can't.