Announcer: [dramatic accordion music plays] [over PA] Ladies and gentlemen, if you'll please turn your attention to the man with the balloon, and listen to the following heart-wrenching story.
Dewey: [takes microphone] Hello. My name is Dewey. And the man with the balloon is my father, Hal.
Hal: Dewey? Where are you?
Dewey: See, I'm the youngest of four kids, and I always get the short end of everything. I've never had a hot shower or a bed to myself. I'm the third person to wear this underwear. And yet, I've never complained.
Hal: Dewey, what is this about?!
Dewey: Even when my parents decided to have another baby. I was happy to share what little I have. And then they told me they're inducing labor. And they picked a really interesting day to do it. Do you remember what day you picked, Dad?
Hal: Dewey!
Dewey: What day did you pick, Dad? [echo]
Hal: It's Thursday. Now, just come down from wherever you are.
Dewey: Of all the days you could have picked, you chose this Thursday. Anything interesting about Thursday, Dad?
Hal: Will you stop this?
Dewey: Anything at all you can think of that might be happening this Thursday?
Hal: Okay, Dewey, what is the big deal about Thursday?
Dewey: [echoes] It's my birthday. [crowd gasps]
Hal: It is not your- [gasps] Oh, God!
Dewey: Well, ladies and gentleman, that's the story of the little boy who lost his birthday. If you have any thoughts or comments, my dad would love to hear them.

Ida: Four pillows on one bed. This is why you can't feed your children. [choking gurgle]
Lois: Oh, hi, Mom. I'd like you to meet some of our friends. This is Brian and this is Abe.
Brian: Nice to meet you, ma'am. If you'll excuse me. I need to use your toilet.
Lois: I've been telling Abe all about you.
Abe: Welcome... to da hood... yo, yo. Gettin' all jiggly with it. Representin'. Uh... uh... Can't touch this.
Francis: Abe?
Abe: Huh?
Francis: [whispers] Chill.

Lois: What do you mean, "no"? You don't have any choice.
Ida: What are you going to do? Pick me up and throw me out? Are you going to toss an old woman out into the street? In front of your neighbors?
Francis: Sounds good to me. [picks up Ida]
Ida: Whoa!
Francis: You brought this on yourself, you old monster. You have no idea how good this makes me...
[Francis yelps as Ida grabs his crotch. Francis whimpers as he lowers Ida back down to the floor.]