Barney Quote #2054
[flashback:]
Greg: Look, buddy, you got a sweet resume, but we don't have openings you're qualified...
Man: They set me up! It was a trap! It's a trap!
Greg: We have one opening you'd be perfect for.
Barney: Great. What do I do?
Greg: Please.
[later, Greg and Barney stand by a whiteboard:]
Greg: "Provide legal exculpation and sign everything." Just show up every day, scribble your name on a bunch of documents, and we'll pay you 16 craploads a year. The deets are in the contract. I'll give you time to think about it.
[17 seconds later:]
Barney: I'll take it.
Greg: Hold on. Did you even read this before signing it?
Barney: No.
Greg: You're hired.
How I Met Your Mother Quotes
‘Unpause’ Quotes
Quote from Barney
Future Ted: [v.o.] And so we did it. We asked Barney all the questions we'd always wanted to.
[montage:]
Barney: In one night? Four.
Barney: In one family? Three.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Yes, but not while she was Secretary of State.
Barney: Just once. With a French male model, Henri. It was late, we were the last two people in the club. I was Ionely and I figured, why not try it? That was the only time I ever split a cab.
Barney: Yes, but not the MIT you're thinking of: The Magicians Institute of Teaneck.
Barney: I've had sex in Ted's bed 14 times.
Ted: I asked if you wear shoulder pads. I think I've just got one question left, and it's a biggie. Barney Stinson, what do you do for a living?
Quote from Barney
Ted: Tell us more about this job.
Barney: Well, as you know, back in my hippie days, a man came into my coffee shop, told me money was all that mattered and stole my girlfriend. That's when I decided to become awesome. But I had no idea how to break into the corporate world. So, hoping he wouldn't recognize me, I went to the person from whom I knew I could learn everything.
[flashback:]
Greg: Do we know each other, bro?
Barney: We're all connected in Gaia's tapestry of... [clears throat] No. We don't. Bro.
Greg: Wow, you went to MIT. Pretty impressive.
Barney: I did get a perfect score on the ACTs.
[present:]
Barney: Advanced card tricks.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Barney, you're being stupid. The company is setting you up as their fall guy for all of their illegal activities.
Barney: No, you guys are being stupid. Especially Ted.
Ted: What? I didn't say anything.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And then, kids, Barney revealed to us his master plan. It all went down a few months after the wedding.
[two months later:]
Barney: Hey, Greg? I know you're busy, but F.Y.I, I've been colluding with the Feds. They know everything. They are on their way to shut down this division and arrest you. Door closed, or...
Greg: What? Why would you do that?
Barney: Oh, gosh, countless moral reasons could have applied. But this is pretty much revenge for stealing my girlfriend. See, that day I vowed I would do everything in my power to track you down, gain your trust and then destroy you.
Greg: Who are you?
Barney: Who am I? Just a guy who served you coffee once. Peace out, loser.
[Barney Stinson theme song plays]
Greg: You son-of-a-bitch. I'll destroy you! Get your hands off of me!