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How I Met Your Mother: Twelve Horny Women

‘Twelve Horny Women’

Season 8, Episode 8 -  Aired November 26, 2012

As Marshall takes on the most important court case of his career against his former friend Brad, the gang debate who was the biggest delinquent as a teenager.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Ah! Here he is. The pride of St. Cloud, the environmental lawyer we've come to know and love. He's mean. He's green. He's not wearing the tie I bought him for the trial, but I'm not gonna mention it... Marshall "I Was Gonna Say 'Nice Tie'" Eriksen!
Robin: How you feeling, Counselor?
Marshall: Well, uh, I mean, at first that Brad thing had me rattled, but now I feel pretty good. I mean, for one thing, I don't have massive hemorrhoids. Sorry, buddy.
Barney: I don't have ma...

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Quote from Marshall

Marshall: And more importantly, unlike Brad, I actually have something to fight for.
[fantasy scene of Marshall fishing with fourteen-year-old Marvin:]
Marvin: Pop, because of your precedent-setting legal victory 14 years ago, kids like me can fish in clean lakes all over the world.
Marshall: They sure can, champ. Because when you do one good deed, it creates a ripple effect. One good deed leads to another and another.
Marvin: Man, you're wise. That's probably why I never have felt the need to do drugs or rebel in any way. [both laugh]
Marshall: Anyhoo...

Quote from Ted

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next day, we all headed down to court to support Uncle Marshall.
Ted: Want to know what I looked like at age 15? There it is.
Robin: I don't get it. That guy wasn't masturbating.
Barney: Yeah, and the waistband of his undies wasn't pulled up to his Cub Scouts neckerchief.
Lily: Ted, you were never a badass.
Ted: Au contraire.
Lily: Off to a good start.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: In summary, I will prove that Gruber Pharmaceuticals wantonly and knowingly polluted Frog Lake and therefore must pay restitution of no less than $25 million. Thank you.
Brad: How's this for a fact: Frog Lake is home to a buttload of frogs and birds. If it's so polluted, why don't all those birds fly to a cleaner lake? And why don't the frogs just be like, "Hey, birds, can I catch a ride, ribbit?"

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: The biggest case of my life and I'd already lost the jury. I mean, I've heard of Twelve Angry Men, but this was more like Twelve Horny Women.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Next, Brad brought out his "expert witness."
[flashback:]
Brad: So, Dr. Bedrosian, you're saying that even if Gruber Pharmaceuticals' industry-leading drugs somehow seeped into Frog Lake, they could actually be helping the otter population grow thicker coats of fur?
Dr. Bedrosian: Absolutely.
Brad: And for the older birds, who maybe don't perform as well in the bedroom as they used to, could actually be having healthier sex lives?
Dr. Bedrosian: In my expert opinion... Yes...? Yes!
Brad: So Gruber is giving these animals free medicine. Medicine that you or I would have to pay a fortune for if we needed help in the bedroom, which I don't.
Judge: You're so bad.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: But I realized, if Brad could call a quack as his star witness, then so could I. [silence] You'll get that in a second.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Meet Paddles, the duckling.
[present:]
Marshall: "Quack."
Judge #1: Continue.
[flashback:]
Marshall: Little Paddles here just spent three months being nursed back to health. Why? Well, because he was found in Frog Lake suffering from acute dermatitis, a painful full-body rash, caused by who? Gruber Pharmaceuticals.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Your Honor, I call Brad Morris to the stand.
Judge: Mr. Eriksen, this is highly irregular.
Marshall: I would like Mr. Morris to remove his shirt.
Judge: I'll allow it.
Brad: Objection, Your Honor, on grounds that this is ridonk!
Judge: Overruled. Take it off.
[Brad unbuttons his shirt to reveal a painful red rash]
Marshall: Acute dermatitis, courtesy of Frog Lake and Gruber Pharmaceuticals.
Lily: That was badass.

Quote from Marshall

Judge #1: So, in the end, one might say you were forced to do something... rash? [all the judges laugh]
Marshall: You know, I had that one, but Lily told me to cut it.

Quote from Robin

Barney: You'd best get your mind right, son!
Ted: The game is the game, and there ain't no winners.
Robin: How many retired gangbangers you know? Exactly.

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