Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, I know you think that you've heard every story from back before I met your mother. But there are some stories you tell and some stories you don't.
[flashback to Ted in a restroom:]
Ted: [on phone] Oh, my God. Barney, oh, my God.
Barney: Use your words, Ted.
Ted: Okay. Barney, I'm about to go for the belt.
Barney: The belt?
Ted: The belt.
Barney: But that's impossible. You were up here less than half an hour ago.

Robin: Thanks for lending me these boots. Where did you get them from?
Lily: Oh, this store in the Village had one of those crazy sales. It was a footwear feeding frenzy.
[flashback to Lily in a shoe store wrestling with another customer:]
Lily: I saw it first. [Lily falls to the ground] You just made the list, bitch.

Lily: You look fantastic in them, Robin. But don't you think they're a little high for that dress?
Robin: Oh, that's the point. It's to hide the point that I haven't shaved my legs. I've begun a strict no-shave policy for the first three dates. It's all about self-control. If I don't shave, I must behave.
Barney: FYI, it doesn't matter, baby. Guys just wanna get on the green. They don't mind going through the rough.

Ted: Fine, I don't need friends. I got you guys. You guys are my friends, my cold refreshing friends. I'm talking to beer.
Trudy: Ted. Trudy.
Ted: Trudy. Oh my God, I haven't seen you since...
Trudy: I slept with you, then climbed down the fire escape?
Ted: That was you? Kidding. I was super wasted... that night. These are not all for me.

Ted: No, I was gonna call you but I was so embarrassed.
Trudy: You were embarrassed? I was like, I really like this guy and now I'm climbing out his window. And I forgot my underwear.
Ted: Those were yours? I thought they felt kinda tight. Kidding, I don't wear underwear, ladies underwear. Often. Again, I'm kidding.

Ted: Well, beers, what do you want to do? Stay here, or I know this other place called my belly.

Barney: [answers phone] Stinson.
Ted: I've got a situation. Trudy is here, you know, the pineapple incident.
Barney: You mean, the girl who chalked your pool cue and snuck down the fire escape. Respect.
Ted: So, we're hitting it off and then her friend shows up and they're kinda competitive. I think the new girl's kinda into me.
Barney: So you now have two on the line?
Ted: And I don't know which one to go for.
Barney: Go for the new girl. Given the choice, always party with Dr. Strangelove.

Lily: New girl? What new girl?
Barney: Two girls are allegedly vying for Ted's affections and I think...
Lily: Oh, you don't know what you're talking about. Give it to me. [takes Barney's cell phone and talks to Ted] Are they friends?
Ted: Yeah. No, I don't know. They're old sorority sisters.
Lily: Are they Betas? Because they're all sluts and you can tell them right now I didn't wanna be in their sorority anyway.

Ted: I am never not wearing a suit again.

Ted: [answering phone] Hello.
Lily: It's me, I'm at the bar. Don't look, just call me mom.
Ted: Hi Mom, how's dad's colon?
Lily: What? What's the matter with you? Anyway, both of these girls are into you. Take your pick.
Ted: They are? Are you sure?
Lily: Yes, of course. They're playing with their hair and touching your arm. Classic green light.