Lily: Hey. How come you're not getting uncomfortably close to my face? I could be in on it, too.
Ted: 'course you could, Lil.
Lily: I can keep a secret.
Ted: Lily, don't make me laugh. I'd trust you with a secret as much as I'd trust Marshall with Pop Secret.
Lily: I can keep a secret! I can keep a secret real good. I can keep a secret like nobody's business, 'cause it is nobody's business. 'cause it's a secret, And I'm keeping it!
Barney: Does Marshall shave his back?
Lily: No, I shave it for him. Damn it!

Barney: Okay, I figured out how this is gonna go down. We're gonna "run out" of ice, and Robin's gonna ask me
to go get some, and lo and behold, the only place that sells ice in this whole town is right next to the local laser taggery. I go inside and... [gasp] Surprise! Beautiful dinner, family and friends, free game tokens and an off-road arcade game that's rigged for unlimited turbos!
Lily: Okay, that is the single stupidest...
Robin: Guys, you aren't gonna believe this. The ice machine is broken.
Barney: Is it now? Well, dog my cats, what are the chances?

Barney: Well, I guess I could go get some ice.
Robin: Uh, no, they'll send someone.
Barney: All right, fine. Twist my arm. I'll do it. But seriously, hmm? Did you get everything set up over there? Do you have enough food, have enough guns? Did you get a vest extender for grandma Stinson? She's...
Robin: What are you talking about?
Barney: Oh, babe, you're so good at this. I love it. All right, I'll see you guys over there. I mean, be right back.

Barney: The point is, I played along with her plan, And I acted "natural" so I wouldn't spoil the surprise.
[flashback:]
Barney: Oh, my goodness! Laser tag?! Maybe I should go in here for a minute, just check it out for no apparent reason. And what's this? My hands-free token satchel? And my free lifetime refill root beer mug?

Lily: So for the past two months when we were letting you use our apartment to practice the piano every Sunday night, what were you doing?
[flashback to Ted, still dressed as Liberace, watching TV with his piano teacher:]
Ted: Oh, so that's not traveling 'cause he's the MVP? Come on!

Lily: Robin, Ted's totally bailing on playing the piano for you and Barney.
Robin: Oh, really? Ted, you didn't have to not do that. But thank you.
Lily: But he promised! A promise is a promise. You can't say you're gonna do something and then suddenly do something completely different!
Ted: Why are you getting so worked up about this?
Lily: Because, obviously, I'm worked up for a different but somewhat similar reason. And someone should ask me about it!
Robin: I'm sorry. I don't have time for your drama right now, Lily. My fiancé is missing.
Lily: Marshall got picked to be a judge. He took the job without even asking me. Italy's off!
Robin: I have time for your drama.

Robin: So, Marshall can't go to Italy?
Lily: Not if he wants to be a judge. And my Italian was getting so good. [in Italian] "I am goodbye of a job to Italian. Many sad."

Ted: But wait, you guys already sublet the apartment. You're already packed. Marshall already borrowed and lost my Rosetta Stone. That selfish bastard!

Lily: Okay, I'm mad, too.
Ted: I should hope so. All of a sudden, his dream is more important than yours? And he did it behind your back. Bastardo!
Lily: He would never hurt me intentionally.
Ted: I'll hurt him intentionally. Molto bastardo!
Lily: That's sweet of you to say. You could never take Marshall in a million years, but that's sweet of you to say.

Robin: Well, apparently, Barney went to the laser tag place looking for a surprise rehearsal dinner. When he didn't find one, he threatened to dunk the snack bar guy's head into a vat of scalding nacho whiz. He's being held until the police arrive. I need your apple juice.