[flashback:]
Robin: See? I compromised.
Barney: Fine. We'll just have a nice, tasteful rehearsal dinner. Maybe at a french restaurant. I know just the place.
Robin: What's the name of the restaurant?
Barney: La... Ser tag.

Ted: You know, I was thinking about What to get you guys for a wedding gift. As you know, I'm kind of the wedding gift master.
[Lily and Marshall scoff]
Ted: And, well, all this talk of the rehearsal dinner gives me a fantastic idea. I've been meaning to start taking
piano lessons again.
Robin: No. No piano time.
Ted: Guys! Just let me perform something. I'll-I'll tickle the keys. It'll be great.
Barney: Not even if you dressed up as Liberace.
Ted: What if I dressed up as Liberace?
Both: Sold!

Barney: And that was the end of it. Until my bachelor party.
Security Guard: Uh-oh. Let me guess. There was a stripper. You had a little fun. Maybe took some ill-advised pictures. Next thing you know, she's blackmailing you into bankruptcy, And your medical degree's hanging on the wall of a laser tag security office!
Barney: No.

Barney: The night of my bachelor party, my friends took me to a crappy hotel, hired my ex-fiancée to be the stripper, I lost thousands of dollars, and my best friend even had his hand cut off. It would've been the worst night of all time if the whole thing hadn't been a prank planned by my beautiful, amazing fiancée. She put me through hell just to give me the best surprise of my life... Which, P.S., included an appearance by my favorite actor, non-porn category.

[flashback:]
Barney: Robin, there's no good way to say this. I made a huge mistake. I can't go through with the wedding.
Robin: What?
Barney: [choked up] I'm so sorry. I-I just... I had to tell you before it was too late.
Robin: Oh, my god, you're serious.
Barney: Yeah. And since this is my apartment, I think that you should move out.
Robin: Fine.
[Barney opens the red suitcase that's on the bed]
Barney: Puppies!
[later at MacLaren's:]
Barney: I know. Great prank, right?
Marshall: That is awful.
Lily: You're a frickin' weirdo.
Ted: [dressed as Liberace] Such a weirdo. Careful, watch the robe.

Barney: Anyway, for reasons only you guys and Robin, but nobody normal like me would understand, she got cranky and she laid down the law.
[flashback:]
Robin: No more surprises.
Barney: [as the puppy] But you love surprises. Almost as much as I love lickin' myself! That was me talking,
not the puppy.
Robin: Barney, the surprises are out of hand and they have to stop. Deal?
Barney: But...
Robin: Deal?
Barney: But...
Robin: Deal.
Barney: Butt. [shows dog's butt]
Robin: Barney.
Barney: Fine. Deal. [shows dog's privates]

Barney: Man. This whole "no more surprises" thing is so unfair. Who does that?
Lily: Barney, the "no more surprises" thing is the best part of being married.
Marshall: It's true. When I wake up in the morning, I know what Lily's breath is gonna smell like. It's like... Roses. Do you really want a marriage where you have this paranoia that Robin's hiding around every corner, planning to get you back with some crazy new prank?
Barney: You're absolutely right. Thank you, Lily.
Marshall: No, th... That was me, over here.
Ted: He wasn't listening.
Barney: If you guys are saying what I think you're saying...
Marshall: Probably not. Go on.
Barney: Then that must mean...
Lily: No, it doesn't.
Barney: That Robin is planning a surprise laser tag rehearsal dinner!

Barney: Then why did she pretend to ridicule it as an idiotic idea?
Lily: Because it is an idiotic idea. If Robin actually was planning a surprise, don't you think she would tell her maid of honor?
Barney: She didn't tell you 'cause you can keep a secret the way my dentist keeps his car keys. You don't know him, but he's lost them... Like, twice. Actually, just once, and... That time they were in his other pocket.

Lily: I can't keep a secret?
Ted: He does have a point, lily. You're kind of famous for the old blabbity-blabbity.
[flashback to Ted, Robin and Lily at MacLaren's:]
Lily: Hey.
Robin: How was lunch with Debbie?
Lily: Great. She's pregnant! Oops. I'm not supposed to tell anybody.
Ted: Why not?
Lily: Because she's getting a divorce. Damn it!
Robin: Debbie's getting a divorce?
Lily: Yeah, she walked in on her husband having sex. Oh! Come on, Lily.
Ted: Well, maybe we don't need to know every gory...
Lily: With a man. Will you get it together, Aldrin?!
Robin: You okay, Lily?
Lily: And that guy's the father of the baby. [sighs] I gotta go lie down.

Barney: Which brings us to earlier today, when robin was setting up the decoy rehearsal dinner, Complete with fake booze.
[flashback:]
Barney: Trying to pass this off as scotch and we all know it's apple juice. [choking] Typical apple juice burn.