James: Barney. Here's a good one. What's the difference between a Journey song and a husband? A Journey song has a climax. Ha, ha. I'm sorry, Robin. I'm just messing with you. Raise a hundred.
Robin: No, it's fine. It's just funny hearing all this anti-marriage stuff from a divorced guy who still wears his wedding ring.
James: What, this? Only wear it because nothing attracts a gay guy faster than a wedding ring. Except saying hi to him. Or being in the same room. Or every app on my phone. People, it is a good time to be gay.

Marshall: Ooh! Chicago, there is this pizza place called Gazzola's, it's fantastic. It was closed for a while, but reopened.
Daphne: I'm sure they got a Godzilla's in New York. We're not stopping. It's just pizza.
Marshall: Just pizza? Let me tell you about the thing you say is just pizza. We begin with the first bite. Oh, the crunch. And then the marinara, that roiling lava of tomato and oregano, it overtakes you. I'm falling. And that's when she catches you. That chewy, voluptuous mistress, mozzarella. Her oven-kissed cheeks crackle with warmth in your mouth, cradling the sauce and the bread, letting you know that from now on... this is home. This pizza... is home.
Daphne: If it was so delicious, why'd they close it in the first place?
Marshall: Rats.
Daphne: We're not stopping!
Marshall: This road trip sucks!

Loretta: You get your brother's ring back.
Barney: Mom, please don't make me take sides.
Loretta: That's your brother out there. You two shared bunk beds and baseball mitts, and when you were hungry, these supple breasts... Arguably a little too long. Stinsons stand up for each other. Take care of this. I'm gonna play some cards. All right, chumps. I'm gonna tell you what I told Frampton's guitar tech when he couldn't find a condom. Let's gamble.