Jim Nantz: Barney, we gotta stop you for a second. There's something I have to ask. Have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs?
Barney: No, sir. I respect the game too much. Although, I can't say I haven't been offered.
[flashback to a Barney with a contented Lily and Marshall in their apartment:]
Marshall: Dude, it was pretty awesome. You should try it. I have some more.
Barney: No, thanks.
Marshall: You sure? All right. Suit yourself. What time is it?
Barney: It's 8:00.
Marshall: 8:00? [counts on fingers, then stands up with a cushion held to his crotch] I need to go to the hospital.
[back:]
Barney: I've never touched the stuff. You can test me if you want to, Nantz.
Jim Nantz: Barney, I trust you. I regret I even asked you the question, okay.

Jim Nantz: Let's go to night six. Two girls away from perfection.
[night six at Ted and Robin's apartment as Barney enters:]
Ted: Hey. Hey. Dude, what are you doing here? Get down to the bar.
Barney: Ted, relax. I'm already six-for-six.
Ted: Really?
Barney: Yeah. I was lunching at Tavern on the Green. I started chatting up this Swedish supermodel. Next thing you know, I'm playing a day game in the back of a horse-drawn carriage. Giddy-what-up. [imitates horse neighing, stamps]
Ted: Awesome. What really happened?
Barney: I had lunch at a Staten Island Chili's and banged a drunk hairdresser. Are you happy, Truthy McGee?

Ted: So, today, one of my students told me Cook is dropping my class.
Marshall: Oh, my God. Pu dropped out?
Robin: She is flushing her education down the toilet.

Jim Nantz: Unbelievable. You know, there's two things you don't do. One, you don't open an e-mail from Phil Simms in front of your kids. And two, you don't jinx a man going for a Perfect Week.
Barney: I don't know what to tell you. Lily's always messing with me.
Jim Nantz: I think she has a thing for the Barnacle.
Barney: You're a keen observer of the human condition, Jim Nantz.

Robin: No, I'm not seeing it.
Lily: Okay, let me try to Canada this up for you, eh? How would you react if one of those Cachuck guys with the skates and the sticks walked in here?
Robin: Lily, if one of the Vancouver Canucks walked in here, my panties would drop so hard there would be a hole in the floor halfway to China.
Ted: That's what it's like with the Yankees.
Robin: Barney's screwed.

Woman: What do you say we go back to my place?
Barney: [chuckles] Wow, to be honest, I don't normally do that, but I feel a real connection here, Seven. Christy. Please. I did it! [all cheer] I did it!
[back to Barney imagining being interviewed by Jim Nantz:]
Jim Nantz: Amazing! Congratulations on your Perfect Week.
Barney: Thanks, Jim. I couldn't have done it without my teammates.
Jim Nantz: Hey, on to a new topic. Do you really think you might get fired today?
Barney: [stammering] Jim, I... I told you I don't want to talk about that.
Jim Nantz: Barney, I'm a figment of your imagination, so, apparently, you do. Think about that.
[Jim Nantz disappears in a poof of smoke]
Barney: What a jerk!
Jim Nantz: [reappears] You're a jerk. [disappears]

Wendy: Take-out order for Cook Pu. We have a number two over here for Cook Pu.
Ted: You guys got Wendy saying it now? Come on, okay, I get it. Cook Pu is a stupid name, and it gets stupider and stupider the more you say it. Cook Pu. Cook Pu. Cook Pu.
Cook Pu: Here.

Barney: [v.o.] It all started when I decided to set myself a little challenge.
Marshall: Oh, my God.
Ted: Whoa! He's calling his shot.
Barney: Whatever girl I'm pointing to right now, that's who I'm going home with tonight. [moves his arm away from his original target] And, play ball!

Lily: Hey. How'd the date with Dale go?
Robin: You know, sometimes that guy, with the horn-rimmed glasses and a Smurfs T-shirt, is just being ironic. Sometimes he is a dork with a lazy eye and a love-hate relationship with Gargamel.
Lily: Robin, just because a guy talks a lot about a fictional character on a first date, doesn't mean he's not husband material.
Marshall: Sasquatch isn't fictional.

Robin: Hey, guys, what should I say when Dale calls for a second date?
Marshall: How do you know he's gonna call?
Robin: [laughs] You're cute, Marshall, but I think Mama knows when a dude's digging the show. I mean, he couldn't keep his good eye off of me.