Jim Nantz: Now, night three. Paint us a word picture.
Barney: Jim, I could tell I was on a roll, so I decided to mix things up a little bit.
[night three at MacLaren's:]
Barney: I think I'm gonna go small boobs tonight.
Lily: You're disgusting.
Barney: Lily, they're people, too.

Robin: Guys, what's going on?
Marshall: You know how Lily and I have been looking for new couple friends ever since we lost Robin and Barney, and Ted and Stella, and Ted and Robin, and Ted and Victoria? Geez, Ted, when are you gonna get your life together?
Ted: How did we end up here?

Robin: Hey, check it out. Barney's leaving with another girl.
Lily: Wow, three girls in three nights? That's gross even for Barney.
Ted: Gross? Are you kidding? He's on his way to a Perfect...
Marshall: Oh! [muttering] Don't say it! You'll jinx it.
Lily: Jinx what?
[back to Barney imagining being interviewed:]
Barney: I was on my way toward... a Perfect Week!

Ted: Cook didn't show up for class today.
Marshall: I'm sorry, Cook?
Robin: Yeah, Ted, we know, like, a ton of people named Cook.
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: Cook Pu.
[Marshall, Lily and Robin laugh]

Robin: Uh-oh. Here we go. The dreaded Dale call. [looks at cell phone] Oh! It's my mom. She's going through some pretty major league health stuff. [rejects call] God, why won't that guy call?
Lily: Wait a minute, you want him to call?
Robin: No. Shut up. Don't you guys have, like, a toothbrush to share, or something?

Jim Nantz: So, you're through four nights. You're over the hump.
Barney: Nice, Jim. [fist bumps Jim]
Jim Nantz: Hey, I try. I'm no you. [they laugh] But then came night five, and with it, trouble.

Ted: Beer here! Thanks.
Marshall: Hey, how's Barney doing tonight?
Ted: Cool as a cucumber, just like he's been all week.
Marshall: Yeah? That's hard to believe.
Ted: Why?
Marshall: Apparently, this big merger fell through last week, and Barney's being blamed for it.
Lily: Well, that's weird. He hasn't said anything.
Marshall: Look, I work with the guy. I didn't find out until this afternoon, when I walked by his boss's office. I've never seen Barney look that scared. I think he's gonna get fired.

Ted: I can't believe Barney might get fired.
Marshall: Yeah, they're having a meeting on Friday to determine whether or not he keeps his job.
Robin: Poor guy. He must be freaking out.
Lily: I'm gonna go talk to him.
Ted: Wait, no! You can't distract the man in the middle of a... you know what!
Lily: Oh, come on! This is his career! This is much more important than some stupid Perfect... [Marshall covers Lily's mouth]
Marshall: Okay. You can lick my hand as long as you want. I'm not gonna let you ruin his... Ow!

Ted: Everything all right?
Barney: Absolutely. Sure. Top of the world. [sighs] Who am I kidding? I need your help.
Ted: Anything, buddy. What is it?
Barney: [sighs] Which one of these girls looks the dumbest?
Ted: All right, kid. Let's check the scouting report. What about the heater? [Barney shakes his head] High and outside? [Barney shakes his head] All right. I'd go with the slider. [Barney nods]
Barney: Thanks, Skip.
Ted: Yo. [slaps Barney's ass]

Lily: So, what'd he say?
Ted: Hmm? Oh! Yeah, he's gonna take a swat at that hamburglar over there.
Lily: You were supposed to talk to him about losing his job.
Ted: Lily, how is forcing him to dwell on a problem he can do nothing about gonna help him?
Lily: How is ignoring it gonna solve anything?
Ted: Well, you ignored good dental hygiene for the better part of a decade and you seem...
Lily: Cook Pu!
Robin: [laughs] Cook Pu.
Ted: Dale call yet?