Future Ted: [v.o.] Meanwhile, Barney and Quinn were off to Hawaii for their first getaway as a couple.
TSA Agent: Ma'am, I need you to open your suitcase.
Barney: It's mine. Did you have to replace my luggage, too?
Quinn: Run away on me again, you'll be wearing hot pink stilettos.
TSA Agent: What's that?
Quinn: Yeah, what is that?
Barney: It's a magic trick. You see, I'm something of a magician.
TSA Agent: Open the box, sir.
Barney: [laughs] Oh, I can't do that. [dog barks]
TSA Agent #2: Sir, are there drugs in that box?
Barney: Oh, no. He's probably just barking because of the explosives.
[The TSA agents pull their guns on Barney]
Quinn: Oh, my God!
TSA Agent: Tell us what's in the box right now!
Barney: I can't. Magician's Code.

Ted: Wow. Seeing them in there all together like that, they're a family, you know? That's what I want.
Robin: Oh, Ted, I'm glad we're friends again.
Ted: Me, too.
Robin: Because as your friend, I have to tell you: You're full of crap! You say you want a family, you say you want to meet "The One," but you are always chasing the wrong women.
Ted: That is not true.
Robin: Look at the women you date, starting with me: I told you right away I didn't want marriage or kids. Stella had a child with another man who she still loved. Zoey was married and trying to sabotage your career and wore a lot of stupid hats. I mean, if you really wanted a family, you would stop pursuing women you know there is no future with.
Ted: Okay, first of all, hats were in that year, kind of. Secondly, I don't always choose women there's no future with. Kind of.
Robin: Name one exception.
Ted: Victoria. Victoria was great.
Robin: Exactly, and you threw it all away to chase after some hot piece of ass. [scoffs]
Ted: You mean you?
Robin: Thank you! Victoria is the only woman you've dated who could've been "The One." You should call her.
Ted: Tiny thing, last time I saw her, she was getting engaged.
Robin: That was eight months ago. For all you know, she's single again.
Ted: What if she's married?
Robin: What if she's not? Then you would actually have a chance to get what you say you want, and it terrifies you. Why? Because if I stole a scalpel and cut you open, all I would find inside is a scared, trembling pile of crap.
Ted: See, I've missed these talks.
Robin: Me too.

Barney: Mr. Flanagan wasn't banging my mom.
Mr. Drury: Well. Your flight left. We need to hold Mr. Stinson for further questioning. But you're free to go.
Quinn: Maybe I should.
Barney: Wait! I'll show you the trick. Sir! May I please have the silk handkerchief in your top left breast pocket?
TSA Agent: Well... I don't have... [chuckles]
Barney: Sim salabi ma... Sim salabi ma... [Barney pulls out a sword] Relax, relax, it's part of the trick.
TSA Agent: How did you get that through the X-Ray machine?
Barney: No questions from the audience, please! [gibberish]
TSA Agent: What is that?
Barney: Madam, may I please have the key on your necklace?
Quinn: [giggles] Oh!
Mr. Drury: Is that gonna explode?
Barney: [covers ears] What? [explosion] [loudly] Will you marry me?
Quinn: Yes.

[a little ways down the road:]
Ted: The road to this day has had a few twists and turns, hasn't it?
Marshall: Yeah. Just a few. In a weird way, it all makes sense, though, doesn't it?
Ted: Yeah. Yeah, it kind of does.
[Ted knocks on a door and walks in]
Ted: The bride wants to see me?
[Robin turns around]

Ted: [on the phone] Why did you make me call Victoria? She's here in a wedding dress. I'm the verge of ruining a wedding! And Mrs. Madsen's friend thinks I'm gay, but let's put a pin in that till later.
Robin: [to Lily and Marshall] Oh, my God. Victoria's at the bar with Ted.
Lily: That's a seven.
Robin: And she's in a wedding dress.
Marshall: That's a ten. We got a ten!

Victoria: Well, I'm sort of supposed to get married today.
Ted: All your friends and family are waiting for you in some church right now?
Victoria: Well, not all. We had five last-minute no-shows. Well, six.
Mrs. Matsen: Mazel tov, Ted. I was starting to think this would never happen.
Ted: Oh, no, Mrs. Matsen.
Mrs. Matsen: I told you he wasn't gay.
Ted: Wait, what?

Future Ted: [v.o.] Which brings us to the story of a wedding day that went horribly wrong.
Lily: Ted, the bride wants to see you.
Future Ted: Uncle Barney was getting married. How the hell did we get there?

Ted: I love the name Marvin. Marv. Sounds like a little middle-aged man.
Barney: Golf next weekend, Marv?
Ted: How's that tax report coming, Marv?
Robin: At your age, erectile dysfunction is nothing to be ashamed of, Marv.

Future Ted: [v.o.] It was a beautiful moment. But then a thought popped into my head, kids. The same thought that will pop into your heads the first time you see your best friend holding their baby.
[flashback to Ted and Marshall's college dorm in 1996. Marshall is holding a staple gun while Ted "eats a sandwich":]
Marshall: Wonder how much this would hurt. [screams]
Future Ted: That guy's a dad.

Ted: Whoa. What's wrong?
Barney: I ruined things with Quinn. I insisted she stop stripping, we got in a huge fight about it, then I ran off to Atlantic City for two days without calling. What the hell am I coming home to?
[fantasy scene:]
Quinn: Let's have an eight-way with my six hottest stripper friends.
[reality:]
Robin: Um, how is that a punishment?
Barney: Wait for it.
[fantasy:]
Quinn: But I forbid you from filming it with your overhead camera that zooms in on whoever's being the loudest.
Barney: Nooooo!