Lily: So... how mad are you?
Ted: I don't know. I mean, I guess if you guys feel that strongly about Karen, then maybe it was for the best.
Lily: I really am sorry. I hated doing that again, but Karen had to go.
Ted: "Again"? Wait. How many times have you broken me up with a girlfriend?
Lily: Never! Six.
Ted: Like who?
Lily: No one! Angie. Sophomore year. She was just using you to get back at her ex, and you clearly didn't see it, so one day when she was taking a nap...
[flashback to college. Lily places a CD on Angie's desk. As Ted enters the door room, Lily hides in the closet. Ted looks at the CD.]
Ted: Creed? Oh, my God, I have to break up with her.
[present:]
Marshall: So that's where my Creed CD went.

Lily: Ted, I did those things to help you. You're a commitment junkie. You fall in love with these women, even if they don't deserve you.
Ted: What if one of those women was supposed to be the mother of my children?
Lily: If there was ever the tiniest chance of that, I swear I didn't do anything. Like with Victoria or Stella.
Ted: Or Robin. [Lily is silent] Or Robin?
Lily: Robin, Robin.
Ted: Did you break us up, too? Did you break us up, too?
Lily: Stop talking to me like I'm your enemy! You weep for these women, but you have the luxury of not knowing what I know: That those breakups, while tragic, probably saved you from a crappy and very expensive first marriage.
Ted: Did you break me and Robin up?
Lily: You don't want the truth because deep down, you want me out there watching out for you. And deep down, you know that none of those women were ever gonna be the mother of your children.
Ted: Did you break me and Robin up?
Lily: I did what I had to do.
Ted: Did you break me and Robin up?
Lily: You're damn right I did!

Barney: [wearing a night shirt] Marshall, your grandpa Olaf was a wise man.

Barney: You know, I feel a little breeze down there. It's nice.
Marshall: Oh, you think that's something? Stand over this heating vent. It's like your junk is on a tropical island.
Barney: Little Barney says "Mahalo."

Ted: Lily just told us that she broke you and me up.
Robin: What? Broke- Broke us up? What does that even mean? And why are these guys wearing nightgowns?
Barney & Marshall: Nightshirts.
Marshall: It's a nightshirt.
Barney: It's called a nightshirt, Robin.

Ted: Turns out Lily has taken it upon herself to sabotage many of my relationships, including ours.
Lily: No. Robin was different. I didn't want you two to break up, but you wanted completely different things out of life and refused to deal with it. I could just picture that front porch.
[fantasy scene of elderly Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily on the front porch:]
Ted: Mm, two of hearts. Just like the hearts of the two children I never had because my lovely wife hates kids.
Robin: Mm, a deuce. Exactly what my career dropped once I decided to settle down and marry Ted. [interrupting Marshall] Bridge! I win.
[present:]
Marshall: Well, I do not like that scenario one bit.

Lily: All I tried to do was get you guys to talk about your issues. I didn't know I was feeding you the words that would lead to your breakup.
[flashback to Lily and Ted talking in the kitchen:]
Lily: Hey, here's a fun question, just for fun. Where do you see yourself in five years?
[flashback to Lily and Robin at MacLaren's:]
Lily: You know what's fun? Fun questions. Where do you see yourself in five years?
[flashback to the next night, Ted and Robin at a restaurant:]
Ted: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Robin: Where do you see yourself?
[cutting back and forth between Lily talking to them individually, Ted and Robin at the restaurant:]
Lily: Not to put words in your mouth, but you probably want to be married.
Ted: I probably want to be married.
Lily: You probably want to be in Tokyo or Paris.
[at the restaurant:]
Robin: I probably want to be in Argentina.
Ted: Argentina?
Robin: Or Tokyo or Paris.
Ted: We have an expiration date, don't we?

Robin: So, if it weren't for you, Ted and I might still be dating?
Lily: Or you would have stayed together far too long, had an incredibly bitter breakup and not even remained friends, and then you and I would never have become best friends.
Robin: Don't even say that. Okay?
Ted: Stop hugging! Lily, you had no right to interfere in my relationships. You got lucky. Okay? You met the love of your life in a dorm hallway when you were 18. But that doesn't give you the right to play God to the rest of us mortals down here who are still looking for someone. You're so concerned about who you and Marshall are gonna end up on that front porch with. Well, you know what? You can have it to yourselves.

Lily: What happened to your jacket?
Robin: Oh, soot, bread crumbs, placenta. Did you at least TiVo it?

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next night, I was still angry at your aunt Lily. Until...
Karen: Hi.
Ted: Hi. What are you...
Karen: Lily came by and explained everything. And she gave me this note for you.
Lily: [on the note] "Ted, I'm sorry. It doesn't matter to me who you marry. I know they'll be awesome because they'll think you are. To show I mean it, I put together a little surprise for you and Karen upstairs. Love, Lily."
Marshall: [on the note] "P.S. Sorry the envelope was already open. I had to read what she wrote. Marshall."
Karen: Sabotaging our relationship? I got to say, even using the specially-ordered extra-low bar by which I judge your friends, Lily really outdid herself this time. Obviously, we can't ever see her again. I know. It's a big loss, right?
[fantasy scene of Ted and Karen on the front porch:]
Karen: Hey, remember your old college roommate? He was married to that shrill little idiot girl.
Ted: Marshall. Oh, it's been so long.
Karen: God, I hated him. Anyway, here's his obituary.