‘The Front Porch’
Season 4, Episode 17 - Aired March 16, 2009
When the gang stay up late to watch Robin's morning show on TV, Ted learns that Lily was responsible for many of his break-ups.
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Yeah. Ted, Karen's a douche.
Ted: Wow. Thanks for sugarcoating it.
Marshall: "Douche" is sugarcoating it.
Quote from Ted
Ted: Uh, okay, believe it or not, my friends do not get a vote on who I date. It's my life. I call the shots.
Karen: Ted, now!
Ted: Yeah, coming!
Quote from Barney
Barney: I don't know what Ted sees in that horrible woman. I mean, yeah, she's got boobs, but... Oh, I guess I get it.
Quote from Robin
Robin: Okay, yes, it's dull and generic and we get spanked in the ratings by that Korean channel that only shows Kim Jong Il riding a horse, but guys, it would mean so much to me if, just once, I knew my friends were out there watching.
Marshall: I'll tell you what. This Friday morning, everyone will come to our place 3:30 A.M. We'll all put on PJs. We'll watch Robin's show.
Robin: Aw, you guys are the best.
Lily: We just want to support you.
[at 3:30 a.m. on Friday:]
Lily: I just want to go to sleep!
Marshall: I hate Robin for not being more successful.
Quote from Ted
Lily: How did it happen?
Ted: Oh, it was the stupidest thing. I mean, we were just hanging out, you know, being funny...
[flashback to Ted and Karen having a pillow fight in bed:]
Ted: You're the fan of 2002 Chiantis.
Karen: Ew, no, you're the fan of 2002 Chiantis. Wait. What is this?
Ted: Looks like one of Robin's earrings. Huh, that's weird. You're the fan...
Karen: How did it get in your bed?
Ted: I don't know.
Karen: Have you been sleeping with Robin?
Ted: What? No, of course not! It, it probably got mixed in with the laundry or something.
Karen: Why should I believe you?
Ted: Um, maybe because I've always been faithful to you while you've cheated on me, like, six times, bitch.
[present:]
Lily: Oh, snap!
Marshall: Cold-blooded!
Ted: Right? Right? I totally should have said that.
Quote from Barney
Ted: And that was it. She left.
Barney: [returns] What a story. So brave of you to share that.
Lily: Wait. Those are your pajamas? You sleep in a pajama suit?
Barney: Of course. What do you think I sleep in?
Ted: A coffin.
Marshall: Dude, that doesn't look comfortable at all. You're wearing a tie.
Barney: Okay, first of all, it's a sleeping cravat. Second, it's not about comfort. It's about looking good all the time.
Quote from Lily
Ted: You broke me and Karen up? Are you insane? What gives you the right to do that?
Lily: Ted, I did it for your own good. You just weren't seeing how awful she was. She failed the Front Porch Test.
Ted: What's the Front Porch Test?
Lily: Ted, you, me, and Marshall have been best friends since college. Think about how much we all mean to each other. So when I picture the future, I picture us all together. How we'll all be retired, sipping tea on the front porch of our beach house, playing bridge all day.
[fantasy scene of elderly Ted, Marshall and Lily on the front porch:]
Lily: Okay, bridges are wild. Four of a bridge beats a royal bridge.
Ted: I see your bridge and I raise you three bridges.
Marshall: Bridge! I win!
[present:]
Barney: You have no idea how to play bridge, do you?
Lily: We're gonna take a class.
Marshall: It's important to stay active.
Quote from Lily
Lily: So whenever you've been dating somebody for a while, I do the Front Porch Test. You know, how is this person gonna fit in with our group over the years? And when I think about Karen there...
[fantasy scene of elderly Ted, Karen, Marshall and Lily on the front porch:]
Marshall: Bridge! I win!
Karen: Fantastic. Another game of bridge. Don't read a book or anything.
Ted: Look, dear... dolphins.
Karen: They seem happy. I guess the chemical runoff from this elitist beachfront property hasn't rotted out their blowholes yet. It will. That water will kill you. It is a toxic deathtrap.
Lily: I'm gonna take a dip.
Marshall: I'll join you.
[present:]
Lily: Karen failed the Front Porch Test. She had to go.
Quote from Marshall
Barney: And if Clarence the angel says it's true, it must be true.
Marshall: Okay, you know what? Fine, make your little jokes.
Barney: Seriously, why would you wear something like that?
Marshall: Lots of reasons.
Barney: I bet you can't name five.
Marshall: One: No need to wear anything underneath.
Ted: I can vouch for that. Will you cross your legs, buddy?
Marshall: Two: Sexy.
Lily: I can vouch for that. Will you uncross your legs, buddy?
Quote from Marshall
Marshall: Three: My Grandpa Olaf wore one and he lived to be 107. Four: No elastic waistband leaving its judgmental pink teeth marks around my Thanksgiving belly. And five: Every night when I go to sleep, it's the freest, most wonderful feeling in the world. I feel... like I'm flying. So that's how I go to bed every night: happy, weightless. With a heart full of joy. What about you?
Barney: I have to lie perfectly still so I don't wrinkle my suit-jamas. But at least I'm not wearing a dress.