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The Drunk Train

‘The Drunk Train’

Season 7, Episode 16 - Aired February 13, 2012

Kevin and Robin join Marshall and Lily on a couple's weekend in Vermont. Meanwhile, Barney meets a woman who sees through his schtick.

Quote from Ted

Barney: You're so much better without him. If you ask me, Vinnie's a real jerk.
Woman: Hey, don't you dare badmouth Vinnie! [rips Barney's suit]
Barney: Ow!
[later:]
Woman: So what do you do?
Ted: Well, I teach architecture, and I also...
Woman: Oh, big man with a job. [throws drink in Ted's face] You think you're better than me?
[later:]
Woman: So... where do you live?
Ted: I'm on the Upper West Side.
Woman: Oh, big man. Living in Manhattan. [throws drink in Ted's face] What, you think you're better than me?
[later:]
Man: Ehhh! [a woman kisses him]
Ted: Ehhhh!
Woman: You think you're better than me?! [throws drink in Ted's face]

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Quote from Barney

Ted: What are you doing?
Barney: If the top speed of the Drunk Train is 73 miles per hour, and you factor in an aggregate of 32 boobs per car, 28 of which are motorboatable, and you divide that... No, no, no! This is all wrong! It should be so simple! I mean, it's the Drunk Train!
Ted: My God! It's been right in front of us the whole time.
[title: "Get drunk"]
Both: Get drunk.
Ted: Yeah.
Barney: Of course. Good circling, Ted.
Ted: This ain't my first word search.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Oh, you take such good care of me. Thanks for loaning me your shoes for my swollen feet. Ah! I owe you one.
Marshall: We have to stop this.
Lily: Stop what?
Marshall: Keeping score. You're growing a baby, our baby. So you're officially ahead of me for life.
Lily: Oh, thanks, sweetie.
Marshall: Once we're parents, we have to be a team. Deal?
[eight months later, as a baby cries:]
Lily: It's your turn! I was on point for six straight hours yesterday!
Marshall: Two of those hours were a nap and you know it!
Lily: Let's go to the board! I hope it's a soupy deuce, sucka.
[present:]
Lily: Deal. We're a team.

Quote from Barney

Marshall: Can we please talk about something other than my wedding night?
Barney: Absolutely. Let's talk about last night. It was a night like any other. I was just about to get laid...
[flashback to MacLaren's the night before:]
Ted: Hey, Barney, I need your help. This hottie I'm talking to is meeting her friend at a club, so I need a wingman.
Barney: Well, just so you know, I'd be giving up a sure thing here.
Woman: Hey!
Barney: Are you not a sure thing?
Woman: Yeah, I am.

Quote from Barney

Barney: You owe me three hours for last night, Mosby. I'm thinking, laser tag tournament in Newark this weekend. Ted can pass for under 18, right? It's a father-son thing.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Marshall, we should get going. Any later, and we'll be riding the Drunk Train.
Marshall: Oh.
Kevin: The Drunk Train?
Marshall: It's the last train of the night back to Long Island. It's a mess.
Lily: Just a bunch of drunk, sloppy idiots, fresh off a night of partying in the city, just desperate to hook up with anything that moves. See you.
Barney: New plan, Ted.
Ted: So this father-son thing. You know, a backwards baseball cap really youngs me down.
Barney: All aboard!

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] For Valentine's weekend, Lily and Marshall invited Kevin and Robin on a couple's getaway to Vermont.
Kevin: Mmm. 16 years together, and still so in love. What's your secret?
Marshall: The key to relationships is understanding the difference between hearing and listening. It's about respecting your partner's...
Lily: Opinions on...
Marshall: Hey, shh, shh, shh. Kind of on a roll here. Relationships are a give and take, and that's why it's important to never keep score.
Lily: Yeah, like how Barney's holding these three hours over Ted's head. If they were a couple, they'd never work.
Marshall: Obviously. Ted's a Taurus, and Barney is such a Scorpio.

Quote from Robin

Kevin: Good advice. Don't keep score.
Robin: They're not even close to finished.
Lily: How do we not keep score, you ask?
Marshall: Huh. Hm. Sounds like somebody want to hear some examples, sweetie.
Robin: I'm just gonna close my eyes until it's all over.
Kevin: Top ten things Lily said on her wedding night.
Robin: Solid.

Quote from Lily

Lily: Here's one. Every time Marshall's mom comes to visit us, we have to put out all the tacky Minnesota gifts she's bought us over the years.
[flashback to Lily and Marshall's house decked out with Minnesota-themed tchotchkes:]
Marshall: Hi, Mom!
Lily: Hi, Mrs. Eriksen!
Judy: Marshall. Uh-huh. I don't see the gopher-hair tea cozy I made you. Guess it wasn't good enough for Lily.
[present:]
Lily: But I'd never hold that over Marshall, because if I did, he'd owe me big-time.

Quote from Marshall

Marshall: Just like I would never hold it over you for dragging me to that experimental theater piece.
[flashback to a screaming threater production:]
Marshall: [to a man] So, is it... is it just screaming? [The man holds up his "Just Screaming" playbill]
[present:]
Marshall: But we don't keep score.

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