Stella: That's why it was difficult for me to tell you. But I did tell you because I thought that I could trust you.
Ted: You can trust me.
Stella: Obviously, I can't. You know there's always a reason not to sleep with a guy, and you just gave me yours.
Ted: Wait, did I gave you a reason or were you looking for one?
Stella: Why would be looking for one?
Ted: Because things are getting serious between us, and that scares you.
Stella: Good night, Ted.

Barney: Okay, Randy, now, tell me, without looking at your hand, what are the three beginner techniques for picking up a woman at a bar?
Randy: Isolate her from her friends; repeat her name in conversation; subtly put her down.
Barney: Excellent. Now let's put those to use. I'm right behind you.
Randy: Hi, I'm Randy. What's your name?
Haley: Haley.
Randy: Haley. Haley, that's a pretty name, Haley. Haley come here, Haley.
Haley: Mmm. Okay.
Randy: Haley, you are a fat ugly whore.
[Haley throws a drink in Randy's face]

Barney: Oh, hey. We got two live ones. New plan: this time follow my lead. Evening, ladies. Oh, I like your broach. What is that?
Woman: Oh, it's a koala bear. I think they're adorable.
Barney: No way! My friend Randy here is the leading expert on koala bears in Australia! He's in town working with the Bronx Zoo.
Woman: You are? That is so cool! What is your favorite thing about koala bears?
Randy: [long silence] Their... meat is delicious.

Barney: Now Randy, let's keep it simple. Just start by introducing yourself.
Randy: Hi. My name's Randy.
Robin: Hi, Randy. How are you?
Randy: I'm good. How are you?
Robin: Good, thank you.
Randy: Great.
Barney: You're doing really, really well. Now ask her what she's doing later.
Randy: What are you doing later?
Robin: Yeah, your nose is bleeding like a faucet.
Randy: Oh, God. This happens every time I get an erection. I am so sorry.

Randy: All right. It hasn't clotted but I think it's pretty much draining backwards now.
Barney: Randy. I've been thinking, this isn't working out.
Randy: Yeah, I figured. I knew I couldn't fly this close to the sun without getting burned. This is the story of my life. I always let people down. You, my dad, the chief.
Barney: The chief?
Randy: Yeah, I was a cop for like three months. But I got kicked off the force because I screwed up so much I was an insurance liability.
Barney: You were a New York City police officer and you didn't tell me?
[later:]
Woman: Wow! Did you ever shoot anybody?
Randy: Only all the time.
Barney: But not himself. And not in the foot.
Randy: Actually...
Barney: Ah, bah, bah, bah, bah. But nothing.

Woman: I don't think there's anything hotter than a cop. Are you okay? Your nose is bleeding.
Barney: Old injury. The bullet's still lodged in his sinus.
Woman: Oh, my God! You know what? I live right around the corner. Can I take you to my place and fix you up?
Randy: That would be very nice.
Barney: Have a great time, you two.
Randy: Oh, my God, thank you. I can't thank you enough.
Barney: [to Robin] I am the greatest wingman of all time.
Robin: Ted doesn't know what he's missing.
Barney: [emotionally] You had to mention Ted, didn't you?

Stella: Okay, I really overreacted last night. I'm sorry. Maybe I have some trust issues, but believe me, I have earned them. You said that I was looking for a reason for this whole thing to fall apart. Well, you're onto me, Ted. That's actually something that I do a lot. But I'm not going to do that with you. Ted, I'm in.
Ted: This is awkward. I have a girl here. [Stella playfully hits Ted]
Stella: Come on. There is something that I'm ready to do with you.
[later, at Stella's house:]
Stella: Ted, this is Lucy.
Ted: Hi, Lucy.
Stella: Lucy, this is Ted.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Stella and I thought our relationship was going to take a big step that weekend. Turned out, it took an even bigger one.

Stella: She's sound asleep.
Ted: Oh. She is so great.
Stella: I think so. So, uh, I was thinking, my sister is in town until tomorrow. And, uh, there's a motel just down the turnpike.
[later:]
Stella: Wow, that was amazing!
Ted: Oh, yeah. [grabs the bedside phone]
Stella: What are you doing?
Ted: I gotta call Marshall and Lily. Tell them about this. [Stella pushes Ted out of the bed]

Randy: I'm sorry, Barney.
Barney: Ah, it's okay. New plan: we need to get you comfortable just saying words to women. Now, there's no reason to be nervous, because my friend, Robin, has agreed to help out.
Robin: Because you threatened to put a video of us on the Internet, which I'm still not convinced you have.
Barney: Right, which is why you came all the way from Brooklyn at midnight.