Lily: So what does this mean for you? Is she ever wanna want to get intimate?
Ted: Actually...
[flashback to Ted and Stella in her office:]
Stella: But the truth is, I really do want to do this with you. I don't think I'd regret it at all.
Ted: Your pillow talk's a little rusty.
Stella: You know what I mean Ted, I'm ready.
Ted: That's great. Like "right now" ready? [Stella laughs]

Ted: I don't know Lily, after five years, her expectations have gotta be pretty high.
Marshall: Notable deaths in 2003... Oh, my God. Nell Carter. Did you guys know that Nell Carter had died?
Ted: I really gonna have to bring my A-game to satisfy this woman.
Robin: Yeah, it'll be pretty hard now that she's dead.
Ted: Not Nell Carter. Stella.

Marshall: Dude, relax, it's all about expectations management. Do you know why I hated Jerry Maguire so much?
Ted: Because you're dead inside?
Marshall: No, because you built it up for, like, two weeks, saying it was the greatest movie ever. With Stella, do the opposite: lower expectations.
Ted: Right, right, and then no matter what happens, she'll be happy.

Marshall: [answers phone] Hey, buddy. I'm married, Barney, I cannot be your new wingman. [hangs up]
Robin: [answers phone] No. [hangs up]

Ted: It's just that this is a big deal for you. I mean, it's like Your Virginity: The Sequel.
Stella: [laughs] Virginity 2: Electric Boogaloo?
Ted: Exactly, and I don't want to mess it up. I don't want you to ever wonder if was worth it.
Stella: Oh, Ted, of course it's gonna be worth it. Stop worrying. It's you and me. It already has everything it needs. [Stella and Ted kiss]
Ted: "Unexpected number of testicles?"
Stella: It happens. I knew a guy in med school. We used to joke that we was one ball away from getting walked.

Barney: You know what? I'm excited about this, Randy. You will be my next masterpiece. It's like with Ted. When I first met him, he was an even bigger loser than you.
Randy: What a loser.
Barney: But tonight, I'm going to make you the greatest wingman in the history of wingmen.
Randy: Oh, it's gonna be easier than you think, bro. Yeah. I've been reading your blog for years. You are like a God to me. That's why tonight is going to be legendary... wait for it... dary.

Ted: So, here's the plan. Take a horse-drawn carriage through the park, and it just so happens the Philharmonic is playing an open-air...
Stella: Ted. Five years.
Ted: Straight to the hotel?
Stella: Straight to the hotel.
Ted: I'll get my bag.

Stella: Hey, guys.
Lily: Hey.
Marshall: Hey. So, uh, looking forward to tonight?
Stella: Yeah. Definitely. It's been such a long time since I've had a night out.
Lily: Yeah. We heard. I would explode if it had been that long since I had a "night out".
Marshall: This one wakes me up at 4 a.m. sometimes just to have a little night out.
Stella: Um, what are you guys talking about?
Lily: Nothing. Pizza. What are you talking about?

Ted: Hey, guys.
Stella: Ted, you told them, didn't you?
Ted: Told them what?
Stella: You told them that I haven't had sex in five years.
Marshall: You haven't had sex in five years??!! That is a shocking revelation that we're just finding out right now!

Ted: Stella, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have told them. But they're my best friends. I tell them everything. I-I didn't even think about it.
Stella: Ted, that was so personal. Plus, now your friends think I'm a freak.
Ted: No, they don't.
Stella: Look, I realize it's weird, okay? Not many people go five years without having sex.
[cut to Barney and Randy at MacLaren's:]
Barney: 13 years??!!
Randy: I peaked really young.