Marshall: I'm out, okay? You eat the bacon.
Ted: You know I can't, I'm allergic.
Marshall: Ted, I've been trying to tell you for years, your bacon allergy is a lie your mother made up so you'd eat healthy.
Ted: No, I'm just allergic to a lot of stuff. Bacon, donuts, Halloween candy... not saying "thank you." Oh, my God, that bitch lied to me. Okay, I'll do it. But, look, I don't even know if I'll like bacon. [sniffs]
Marshall: What do you think?
Ted: I have seen the face of God.

Lily: Barney does love us.
Ted: I wish we could help him out the way he helped us. But the wedding photos are in 20 minutes.
Robin: My dad's gonna be so pissed.
Marshall: Yep, Barney's a dead man.
[title: "The Weekend at Barney's"]
[montage of photographs with the gang holding an unconscious Barney up]
Robin Sr.: Barney, you were always a bit chatty and blond for my taste. You're like a woman. But this new side of you... quiet, steady, I like it. You've earned my respect today, son. I request the highest of fives.
Ted: Oh, no.
Marshall: Stay cool, we got this.

Barney: I don't believe this. You did Weekend at Barney's and it worked. God, today's gonna be all downhill from here.
Robin: That's what the bride wants to hear.
Barney: Ha, ha. No, that's not what I meant. I just mean Weekend at Barney's is way more amazing than our wedding could be. I'm gonna get more coffee. I can't wait to see the photos.
Ted: Well, he bought it.
Robin: We lied out of love. Look how happy he is. I mean, he has no idea we had to cancel the photos... and my dad came up and kicked Barney in the crotch.
Barney: And the best part is, your dad has no idea. He still loves me. Hey, do anyone else's balls hurt?

Marshall: And, look, some good came out of this, seeing you like that, we all vowed never to get that drunk again.
Ted: Well, actually, I didn't, but I will now. Never again.
All: Never again.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, no matter how hard we try, even the best of us go a little too wild sometimes. And in those moments, we all need someone who loves us to help us rally.
[flashforward to New Year's Day 2022:]
The Mother: [grunts]
Ted: [whispers] Happy New Year.
The Mother: Okay, that was way too loud. You're practically screaming.
Ted: What you need is Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir.
Future Ted: Even if that means lying once in a while.
The Mother: Does it work?
Ted: Totally works. [She gags] It's normal. Totally normal.
The Mother: I love you so much.
Ted: I love you too. [footsteps approaching] Oop, oop. Better drink it fast.
Both: Mommy!
Ted: Hey, look who it is! Get her!

Marshall: All right, we got most of the ingredients on our list: Ginger, bananas, Funyuns. I can't believe that mini-mart sold Tantrum. It's been discontinued for years.
Ted: Uh, hey, ahem, will you toss me that bottle?
Marshall: Yeah, we haven't done this forever.
Ted: Dude, you're a grown man, why are you throwing a Tantrum?
Marshall: Nice!
Ted: So awesome!
Marshall: So awesome!

Marshall: Whoa, he's awake. How'd you do it?
Lily: Nothing special.
Robin: Hydration, patience.
Lily: Quick, before he passes out again. Barney, what's the secret ingredient in Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir?
Robin: Come on, stay with us.
Barney: The secret ingredient is... nothing.
All: Huh?
Ted: I ate too much bacon.
Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie. That's the secret.

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, the story behind that vow took place the morning of Barney and Robin's wedding. You see, after drinking way too much the night before, this is all Uncle Barney remembers from the first two hours of his wedding day. [montage] And that's it. Now, here's how the rest of us remember those two hours.

Robin: Found him.
Ted: You know, he looks better than I thought he would.
Robin: Rise and shine. Up and at them, let's do this. There's a gas leak. The building's on fire. Your shoes don't match your belt.
Barney: [grunting]
Ted & Robin: Uh-oh.

Robin: Okay, I think my fiance peed himself a little. Aw... Tomorrow I'm gonna be able to say my husband peed himself a little.
Ted: Don't worry, I spilled some iced tea on him.
Robin: Oh, thank God.
Ted: [whispers to Marshall] I didn't really spill some iced tea on him.

Robin: Oh, God, this is bad. We're doing family wedding pictures at the lighthouse in two hours. My father is paying for the whole thing. He's going to kill Barney if he doesn't show up.
Lily: Come on, your dad's tough, but won't he understand an old-fashioned hangover?
Robin: My father's recipe for a Bloody Mary trades out tomato juice for wolf's blood.
All: Ooh.
Marshall: Bloody Mary? Sounds more like a Bloody Scary. [silence] I say again. Bloody Mary? Sounds...