Marshall Quote #1219
Marshall: Okay, that's it. We are all now seriously too old to keep doing this to ourselves. I vow here and now that I shall never again get that drunk in my life.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, he'd wind up breaking that vow.
Marshall: And I will not break that vow, as sure as I will always have a full head of hair.
[flash-forward to a balding Marshall with Lily in 2020:]
News Anchor: [on TV] In other elections today, in the race for New York State, Supreme Court, Judge Brad Morris... Oh, oh! Just look at him. Oh, I would love to rub that down. Ahem. Sorry. Has increased his sizable lead over Judge Marshall Eriksen.
Marshall: It was supposed to be a victory party.
Lily: You ran a great campaign, baby.
Marshall: Yeah, but it was the most stressful three weeks of my life. [a poster for the campaign shows Marshall with a full head of hair]
News Anchor: And in other results, a surprise comeback. We're ready to call the New York State Supreme Court race for Judge Marshall Eriksen. We'll go to Judge Eriksen for a live statement in just a few minutes.
Marshall: Come again for Judge Fudge?
[later, to the TV cameras:]
Marshall: As your next commissioner,
Lily: State Supreme Court Judge.
Marshall: ...of Gotham City...
Lily: The State of New York.
Marshall: I vow to make Batman work harder. I say shine that Bat-Signal even for small stuff, like, uh, shoveling snow. Or like, uh, if a police horse dumps out in the park.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Wait, think about it. The first time Barney gave us that drink, those hangovers all happened at the worst possible moments. Remember? Marshall thought he botched day two of the bar exam, so he freaked out that night and got wasted?
Marshall: Now I'm gonna miss the last day of the bar. I'll never be a lawyer. I should just go back to being a manager at Structure. That "10 percent off all vests" sale? That was my idea. As was cutting the arms off the shirts that weren't selling. That's where I belong.
Barney: No, Marshall, you're gonna be a lawyer.
Robin: Ugh. No, I can't do it.
Barney: Yes, you can. Your first day back, live on the air, is gonna be legen... Wait for it.
Barney: Dary. Your kindergarten field trip to the Jackhammer and Siren Museum today is gonna be legendary.
Ted: No, it's not. Nothing's ever gonna be legendary again, I'm never gonna recover from this.
Barney: It's just a hangover, Ted.
Ted: Not that. I got left at the altar, Barney. I'm now a guy who got left at the altar. There's no coming back from that.
Barney: Drink this. You're gonna be okay.
Quote from Lily
Lily: Ugh. I second Marshall's vow. I will never ever get that drunk again.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yeah, she would.
[flashfoward to Wesleyan University in 2030:]
Lily: My baby boy's in college. Did you pack enough undies?
Marvin: Yes, Mom. Shh.
Marshall: Your father did a lot of puking in these hallowed halls, from binge studying. Saved it.
Lily: That reminds me, mister, no underage drinking. No good comes from hanging out in bars and getting drunk.
Marvin: But every story from your 20's starts in a bar.
Marshall: Listen to your mother.
Lily: Aw... What are we gonna do without you in the house?
[later, at a bar:]
Lily: We got him out of the house. Drink up. Mm. Whoo! Oh, boy.
[Marvin walks into the bar]
Marvin: You son of a bitch.
Lily: You son of a me.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Well, I'm more worried about taking vows with this useless pile of garbage in a few hours. What do we do?
Ted: You guys see the irony here? The only person who could possibly get Barney back on his feet is Barney.
Future Ted: [v.o.] See, over the years, we'd all come to experience something Barney called:
Barney: Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir. The most effective post-bender-head's-too-tender-ender from here to Denver.
Ted: What's in it?
Barney: Glad you asked. Columbia University, 1941.
Ted: I take it back.
Barney: [v.o.] President Franklin D. Roosevelt, who we all know is most famous for being a world-class drunk, commissioned a top-secret project: Develop an elixir to cure the common hangover. And what brilliant scientific mind did boozy old FDR pick to head up this historic task?
Ted: Look, my head really hurts. Let's just speed this along. You're clearly ripping off the story of the Manhattan Project, which was run by Dr. Robert Oppenheimer so I'm gonna guess it was your distant relative... Barnert Stinsonheimer?
Barney: Somebody's read their history books. The Too Many Manhattans Project hit a few snags at first. The first batch exploded, which sounded kind of like this: Boom!
Ted: Oh, you suck.
Barney: Just let me finish. But the second batch, sadly also exploded. Boom!
Ted: Oh! Why are you here right now?
Barney: Do you want to hear the story?
Ted: Absolutely not. Please leave. After some trial and error, Dr. Stinsonheimer finally found the magic formula.
Ted: Hang on. Funyuns? Tantrum soda?
Ted: In 1941?
Barney: Sure. They haven't made new Tantrum since then, it lasts a while. Anyway, the elixir was such a success he was awarded the Bro-Bel Prize. True story. Boom!