Robin: Someone suggest something useful.
Lily: Here's the plan. Marshall, you and Ted go gather the ingredients we do know. Robin, you wake up Barney long enough to find out the secret ingredient. And I'll race down to the spa to keep my 8:15 mani and pedi. Okay, let's do this.
Robin: Bitch, walk out that door and Zabka is my maid of honor.
Lily: Okay, let's start simple: Fresh ocean air.

Robin: [holding scissors to Barney's tie] I'll do it! I swear to God I'll do it!
Lily: Your dad used to do this to you?
Robin: Well, it was with a Cabbage Patch doll and ax, but same idea. Trust me, I was never late for kindergarten again. [Lily hugs Robin]

Lily: Okay, there is one thing we haven't tried yet: Making out with each other.
Robin: You really think that will wake him up?
Lily: Wake up who now?

Robin: Ugh. Look at this soggy bag of snot. That's it, I am joining Marshall's vow. I am never, ever getting that drunk again.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, you see where this is going.
[flashforward to Buenos Aires, Argentina in 2016:]
Robin: Did last night really happen?
Barney: I think so. Look, let's just agree: Absolute silence for the rest of the day. [baby cries]
Robin: Oh...
Barney: Ha-ha-ha. Every time. You want me to get her?
Robin: No, I got her. Come here. Yeah, I know, I know. Shh, shh, shh. Shh. Hey, Barney?
Barney: Yeah?
Robin: Whose baby is this?
Woman: [in Spanish] "What the hell are you doing in here?! Your room is across the hall! Adios! Drunk idiot Americans!
Barney: Merci beaucoup.

Ted: How could you, Mom? You had the map to heaven and you never showed me the way. May you rot in the bacon-less hell that I've lived in my entire life.
Marshall: Yeah, they crisp it up real nice here, don't they?
Ted: Mm-hm. What is that? Applewood smoked? You know, Ted, you've been going at it real hard, why don't you take a breather and I'll drive us home?
Ted: [snarls]

Marshall: All right, Ted, let's go.
Ted: No. No. I finally found the one, Marshall. Her name is Bacon. You know, this would go great on one of my mom's LT sandwiches.
Marshall: Okay, buddy, you gotta take it easy.
Ted: Never! I've got a lifetime without bacon to make up for. I will keep eating and eating and eating... Oh, God, help me, I'm going down.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that's the first and last time I ever ate bacon.

Lily: He's not waking up. I'm out of ideas. We've tried everything.
Robin: Not everything. Lily Aldrin, let's make out.
Lily: [gasps] Are you sure?
Robin: Yeah, baby. I'm sure.
Lily: Um... Okay, well, you know what? I mean, it probably won't even work. It's stupid, I'm stupid.
Robin: Shh, shh, shh. You're beautiful. Come here.
Barney: [gasps] More, more, more.

Robin: So Stinson's Hangover Fixer Elixir is a lie?
Lily: Why would you lie about that?
Ted: Just to mess with us? Like that one jerk in high school who brings fake mushrooms just to see who's gullible enough to trip?
Marshall: Damn you, OIlie Gunderson. I knew those shrooms tasted like Sea-Monkeys.
Ted: How do you know what they taste like?
Marshall: My older brothers are not the best people.

Lily: Why did you lie?
Barney: I love you guys.
Lily: He loves us? Let's throw him down the stairs again.
Ted & Marshall: Yeah.

Robin: Heh. I can't believe we kissed today. Weird. Heh. I feel kind of bad that Ted and Marshall missed it. Hey, we should kiss one more time in front of them... just to, like, blow their minds, right?
Lily: Nah, I don't think so.
Robin: Exactly. Totally. Ha, ha. "Ha, ha, guys, you don't get to see this kiss either." Ha-ha-ha. So where should we go? Closet? Patio? Ooh, I think the sauna's open.
Lily: Well, actually, to be honest, it felt kind of weird to me. Once was enough.
Robin: Totally. We could kiss, we could not kiss. We could kiss, doesn't matter to me. It's stupid. I'm stupid. So stupid.