Lily: Why is Vampire Lou the host of a Saturday Afternoon Kung Fu Movie? You know, it just makes no sense. God, that pisses me off.
Ted: Lily, you okay?
Lily: Oh, yeah, I'm just tired. And when I get tired, I get cranky.
Sandy Rivers: Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky.
Lily: "Really? I couldn't imagine you cranky."

Mary: Wow. Why are you so tired?
Lily: Well, I teach kindergarten and the school board took away my nap time, the kids' nap time.
Barney: Lily, quit your job. Work at a private school. You won't have to deal with the school board, and you'll make a ton more money.
Lily: Well, guess what, Barney? I don't base all my life decisions on how much money I'm going to make, unlike you and, sadly, my fiance.
Marshall: Well, it's just an internship, for the record.
Lily: Yeah, because if I did sacrifice all my values just for an easy buck, what would that make me?
Mary: A prostitute.
Lily: Exactly. Thank you, Mary.

Robin: So, Mary, what do you do for a living?
Barney: She's a paralegal.
Mary: Yes, I'm a paralegal.
Robin: Oh, so, Mary the paralegal. What does a paralegal do exactly?
Mary: I just assist with day-to-day clerical work in a law firm downtown.
Lily: Oh, what firm?
Mary: Douglas, O'Halloran and Stamp.
Marshall: That's a real law firm.
Mary: I know.
Marshall: Nice.

Ted: So, Sandy, what do you do? Oh, wait, I know what you do. You're the guy who reads the paper in the morning.
Sandy Rivers: You got me. What do you do, Ted?
Ted: Oh, same thing as you. I read the paper every morning. But then after that, I finish my coffee and I go to my real job as an architect where I make an actual contribution to the world. I'm just kidding. Love your show. You're terrific.
Sandy Rivers: Thanks. I never tire of hearing that.

Sandy Rivers: Hey. What were you guys talking about over there?
Ted: Oh, I was, uh, just telling my friend that I think you're awesome.
Sandy: Well, thanks. You know, this is one of the nicer hotels I've ever been in.
Ted: Oh, yeah, my friend did the remodel. You should see the rooms. The views are amazing.
Mary: Yeah? Maybe it's too bad we don't have a room.
Barney: Room 1506. My treat. You kids go nuts. Actually, don't use the mini-bar.

Ted: Mary, you want to go upstairs? We, uh, got a room.
[Marshall and Ted have a telepathic conversation]
Marshall: Dude, what are you doing?
Ted: What's it look like?
Marshall: It looks bad, is what it looks like. You cannot do this.
Ted: Marshall, she is a really cool girl when you get to know her. Besides, I'm trying to make Robin jealous.
Marshall: Oh, that's real mature.
[Lily talks to Marshall telepathically]
Lily: Marshall, what is up with you and Ted?
Marshall: Nothing, baby. Don't worry about it. [to Ted] Fine. Do what you want.

Marshall: [telepathically] Lily, I know you're asleep, but I have to tell someone this, and we tell each other everything. So, here it goes. Mary's not a paralegal. She's a prostitute.
Lily: [waking up] Mary's a prostitute?
Robin: What?!
Marshall: Barney paid for her.
Lily: Is that true?
Marshall: We were having a conversation about prostitution, and then Barney calls her up and then she shows up at the bar and now she and Ted are upstairs.
Robin: Okay, seriously, what is going on with Ted lately? Is he having a nervous breakdown?
Lily: You know, Barney, for anyone else, this would be a new low, but sadly, for you, it's just a new middle.

Barney: Okay, well, I guess now is as good a time as any. In keeping with tonight's award show motif, I'd like to announce this evening's big twist ending! Vampire Lou, would you do the honors?
Vampire Lou: "Mary's not really a prostitute."
Marshall: What?
Barney: That's all, Vampire Lou. Nicely done.
Marshall: So she's not...?
Barney: No. Mary's just a paralegal who lives in my building. Oh, ha-ha! And here's the best part, she has no idea that Ted thinks she's a hooker. [laughs] Oh, come on. If you don't laugh, it just seems mean.

Ted: I feel kind of like Richard Gere.
Mary: Not shy about your looks, are you?
Ted: No. You know, Mary, I've never done this before.
Mary: Done what?
Ted: You know, been... on a "date."
Mary: Yeah, right. Wait, you're kidding, right?
Ted: No. Why, is that so odd?
Mary: Well, Ted, I mean, I've been going on dates since I was 15.
Ted: God, you were just a kid. Well, look, let's just have a few drinks. We'll relax and...
Mary: Yeah, that sounds great. I had clients riding me all day long.
Ted: Must be tough.
Mary: Yeah. I mean, this one guy just wouldn't leave me alone. I mean, talk about anal.

Ted: Okay, look, Mary, I like you a lot. I'm sort of amazed at how much I like you, but I can't do this. You're a hooker.
Mary: What?
Ted: Look, maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I'm sorry, that's a deal-breaker for me. I'm not going to have sex with a prostitute.
Mary: No... Ted, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: Come on, Mary, there's no one else around. You're a hooker.
Mary: No, Ted... I'm a paralegal.
Ted: No, you're a hooker.
Mary: No, I'm a paralegal.
Ted: You're a paralegal.