Lily: Can I take a peek at your speech?
Ted: No, uh...
Lily: "Have a drink with my favorite students. See one last sunset over the Hudson." Ted, your speech sucks.
Ted: Well, it's no "mouth words, memory times." But if you must know, it's, uh... It's not a speech.
Lily: What is it then?
Future Ted: [v.o.] A week before the wedding, I realized I couldn't stay in New York any longer. So I decided to start fresh in Chicago.
Ted: It's a list of all the things I wanna do before I leave New York.

Ted: "Buy the whole bar a round of drinks."
[fantasy: on a Sunday night near closing time in MacLaren's:]
Ted: Hey, everyone, next round's on me!
All: [cheer] Ted, Ted, Ted.
[present:]
Lily: Ted?
[fantasy in a much less packed MacLaren's]
Ted: Hey, everyone. Next round's on me.
Man: Can I have a double bourbon...?
Ted: No doubles!

Robin: Wait. You know what would prove we're not some old married couple? Doing it somewhere we're not supposed to.
Barney: Huh!
Robin: Not what I mean. Like the elevator or the pool cabana.
Barney: Uh, how about the roof?

Mort: Who gets married this far away?
Muriel: And the humidity.
Barney & Robin: They're here.
Barney: What do you say we make this bang a home game? We're locked out.
Robin: I guess we could try the back door.
Barney: Huh!
Robin: Of our suite. There's a back door.

Barney: Too late. It's like we're in a zombie movie.
Robin: Seriously. They move at a slow shuffle, they moan a lot, and if given the chance, they chew your ear off. But they're family and I love them.
Barney: Their wisdom is priceless.

[flashback to April 26 at 12:44 pm:]
Marshall: Yeah.
Ted: But here's my point... And your point. Why haven't we done this in forever?
Marshall: Ted, you know damn well why we haven't.
[flashback to the time Ted and Marshall fenced in the apartment and injured Lily]
Marshall: I almost killed my wife, Ted. I almost killed my wife. I almost...
[later, Ted and Marshall fence]
Marshall: [in Spanish accent] "Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya."
Ted: [in Spanish accent] "You killed my father."
Both: "Prepare to die."
[present:]
Lily: [in Spanish accent] You son of a bitch.

Lily: I loved that dress you cut in half. It was the perfect combination of slutty and classy.
Ted: Well, what about your backup dress?
Lily: Oh, it's just classy, Ted. [slurps] Thank you, Linus.

Robin: Oh, quick, the ice-machine room. It's too cold for them in there.
Barney: Oh. I'll protect you, Robin. You'll always be safe with me. [a man touches Barney's shoulder] Aah! Take her. What...?
James: You bitches best get out of my hiding spot.

Lily: Well, the only thing not checked-off on this list is "Scotch with Barney." That's the easiest one on here. You are avoiding him.
Ted: I'm not. We've both been busy. Besides, Marshall and I are saving that Scotch to have a drink with Barney
before the rehearsal dinner. Because it's not just any bottle, it's a $600 Glen McKenna 30-Year.
Future Ted: [v.o.] What I didn't know at the time was:
[flashback:]
Lily: I told those idiots these death-rods are not welcome here.
Robin: What is it with dudes and swords?
Lily: This is fun.
Robin: Oh, yeah. And it's so cool when I go like this:
Lily: [in Spanish accent] Hi. My name is Rodrigo DeGoya. You killed someone I love. Prepare to dance.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Yes, kids, that's what your Aunt Lily thought the line was.
Lily: [normal voice] We'll switch it with this cheap bottle of whiskey. You peel the label off the Glen McKenna.
Robin: On it.
Lily: Then we'll pour the... Robin.
Robin: Damn, that's smooth.
Lily: Pour it into the other bottle.
Robin: Wait, the colors aren't dark enough.
Lily: [adds chocolate sauce] Still not right. I think it was a little redder.
Robin: [adds tomato ketchup] Okay, now the consistency's off.
Lily: [adds hand sanitizer]
Robin: Eh.

Ted: I mean, look at that color. It's almost chocolaty in its richness, with a reddish hue, and something that looks sort of clumpy.
Lily: Oh, yeah, I read about that. Isn't the Highland region known for its clumps?
Ted: Thanks, Lily. I'm very aware of the Highland clumps. Know what? Think I'm gonna sneak a taste.
Lily: What? But Marshall's not even here yet.
Ted: Ah. A quick nip won't hurt. ... She's breathtaking.