Ted Quote #713
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host of a morning show for local New York cable. And it was on pretty early. How early?
[On the TV show, the camera pans down as a man is heard snoring]
ROBIN: Mike? Wake up.
Future Ted: But then, everything changed.
Robin: Hey. See my show?
Ted: Aw, I meant to watch it. I just got so busy with the whole being-sound-asleep thing. It took all night, eight hours down the drain.
Quote from Barney
Robin: Look at you two. Smokers. Just like the rest of us.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: Post-coital, when I'm with Germans. Sometimes those two overlap. Coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
Quote from Lily
Ted: Okay, that's it. Let's quit.
Marshall: Let's. Let's do it.
Barney: Well, I am proud of you guys. I have heard how difficult it is for smokers, like yourself, to quit, so, on behalf of non-smokers, I salute you, and I am here to help. So, hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them, one at a time.
Lily: [raspy voice] You're quitting, dollface. I know I don't normally call you "dollface," but it kind of works in this voice. Dollface.
Quote from Intervention
[flashback to Marshall arriving at the apartment as Ted stacks books on a shelf:]
Marshall: Hey. What's that?
Ted: A 1986 World Book encyclopaedia. [en-sahy-kluh-pay-dee-uh] It's exactly the one I grew up with.
Ted: Oh, you think it should be pronounced encyclo-pee-dia. It's a common mistake. But if you look at that squished together "ae" symbol in this here encyclopaedia, you'll learn that it's a ligature derived from the Anglo-Saxon rune...
[The bookshelves collapse, ripping off a portion of plasterboard and exposing the building's red brick walls]
Marshall: You know, you're gonna have to paedia for that.
Quote from We're Not From Here
Ted: New Jersey is not "pretty much New York". You are not "pretty much New Yorkers".
Colleen: And how would you know?
Ted: Because I live here. That's right. I live here. Yes, we're full of crap. Yes, we pretended to be from out of town so we could sleep with you and leave in the morning. But you know what's even worse than that?! Saying you're a New Yorker when you're not. Because, this is the greatest city in the world and you have to earn the right to call yourself a New Yorker. So why don't you girls crawl into the open sewer pipe you call the Holland Tunnel and flush yourselves back to "pretty much New York"? Because I will do a lot to get laid, but I am not going to New Jersey!