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Last Cigarette Ever

‘Last Cigarette Ever’

Season 5, Episode 11 -  Aired December 14, 2009

As the gang try hard to stop smoking, Robin's new co-anchor is less than enthusiastic about his new job.

Quote from Robin

Robin: It's fine. But get this. After the broadcast...
[flashback to Robin at work:]
Don: Hi. Are you Robin?
Robin: Yeah.
Don: I'm Don, your new co-host.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Don was Don Frank, a seasoned veteran of no fewer than 38 local morning news teams from all over the country. The guy was an industry legend.
Robin: Oh!

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Quote from Ted

Ted: Wow! You are so going to hit that.
Robin: No! I just think we're going to be great together on the air.
Ted: And on the sofa and on the bed and on the coffee table.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: Robin, come on, take it to the roof. We said no smoking in the apartment after you torched the throw rug doing push-ups.
Robin: All right, all right, all right.
Marshall: Yeah, Robin. I mean, God, not only is that a filthy habit, but also, can I bum one?
Robin: Sure.
[2030:]
Son & Daughter: What?

Quote from Marshall

Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, your Uncle Marshall definitely doesn't want you to know this, but he also smoked off and on. It all started when he was 13, on a camping trip in Minnesota.
[flashback to a young Marshall in a snow-covered forest in 1991:]
Ricky: Come on, Marshall, let's celebrate. It's summer vacation.
Marshall: Okay, but just one. This is my first and last cigarette ever.
Future Ted: [v.o.] And that was the first of many, many last cigarettes ever.

Quote from Ted

Marshall: Last cigarette ever.
Ted: What are you doing? You haven't smoked in six months. Is this about the McRib? It's gone, dude. Let it go.

Quote from Marshall

Ted: So, does he hold it against you?
Marshall: Worse.
[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Arthur: I'm sorry, who are you?
Marshall: I'm Marshall Eriksen. [Arthur shakes his head] Um, we had a fairly intense screaming match.
Arthur: No.
Marshall: Wherein I suggested that you take your head and store it within yourself in a fashion that, well, while space-saving might limit its exposure to sunshine.
Arthur: Well, that describes 95% of my employees and everyone in my family, except for my dog. He's such a good boy. Well, I'll see you later, Randall Wilkerson.
Marshall: Marshall Eriksen.
Arthur: Gary Dinkersfield, right.

Quote from Barney

Ted: Great, he doesn't remember you.
Barney: Not great. Arthur Hobbs hating Marshall, that's no big deal. He hates everyone. It's the people he doesn't know that he cuts loose. He just fired What's-His-Face.
Marshall: He fired What's-His-Face, Ted, and What's-His-Face was invaluable.
Ted: Look, I can understand you getting upset, but it's not worth killing yourself over.
Barney: Yeah, wait till you get laid off, then kill yourself. Like What's-His-Face. Although I guess now it's more like Where's-His-Face. [shudders]

Quote from Robin

Future Ted: [v.o.] The next morning, your Aunt Robin was thrilled to be finally going on the air with a real pro.
Director: In three, two, one...
Robin: Hi, I'm Robin Scherbatsky.
Don: And I am Don Frank. Two teens were arrested late last night for stealing a police cart. No, I'm sorry, not a police cart, a police car. [laughing] Screw it. Brain fart. Don't you hate those? Oh, look at that, the teleprompter's still running. Something about a woman giving birth on an uptown bus. Well, no point in jumping in halfway. I'll just wait till it's done. And she cut the cord with a Metro Pass. We'll be right back.
Director: And we're clear.
Robin: What the hell was that? Don, you said "brain fart."
Don: Look, Robin, you seem like a nice kid, but this is my 39th local news show, okay? And in that time, I've learned three things: Avoid the all-you-can-eat sushi buffet in Bismarck, do not go to the bathroom with your lapel mic still on, and three, at this hour, your entire viewing audience is one half-drunk slob sitting in his underwear, so...
Director: Back in five, four...
Robin: Well, let's do a great show for that half-drunk slob.
Don: [stands up to reveal he's in his underwear] Well, that half-drunk slob appreciates it.

Quote from Marshall

Arthur: Oh, no. You're not up here to jump, are you?
Marshall: No, no, no, no.
Arthur: I fired a lot of people today. I don't need another jumper in my file. [chuckling] Oh, uh, cigarette?
Marshall: No. No, thank you.
Arthur: That's too bad. You know what I miss, Jeffrey? Getting to know somebody over a smoke. People are so interchangeable now, but you share a butt with somebody, you got a real bond.
Marshall: You know what? I will take one.
Arthur: Okay.
Marshall: Thank you. I'm Marshall, by the way. It's Marshall, Marshall Eriksen. Yeah.
Arthur: Ah, tell me something, Marshall Eriksen. How would you like to see a picture of the cutest dog in the world? There he is. He's a good boy.

Quote from Lily

Lily: I don't care what your reasons are. You know how I feel about smoking. Now, give me the cigarettes. And the lighter. [smokes] Ah! That's the stuff.
[2030:]
Son & Daughter: What?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Oh, yeah, add your Aunt Lily to the list. Whenever Uncle Marshall fell off the wagon, your Aunt Lily got dragged right down with him.

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