Barney Quote #1072
Robin: Look at you two. Smokers. Just like the rest of us.
Barney: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. I am not a smoker. I only smoke in certain situations: Post-coital, when I'm with Germans. Sometimes those two overlap. Coital, birthdays, to annoy my mom, pre-coital, on a sailboat, the day the Mets are mathematically eliminated every year, and, of course, wait for it, 'cause Lord knows I have, pregnancy scares.
Ted: Why are you smoking right now?
Barney: I'm always pre-coital, Ted.
Quote from Lily
Ted: Okay, that's it. Let's quit.
Marshall: Let's. Let's do it.
Barney: Well, I am proud of you guys. I have heard how difficult it is for smokers, like yourself, to quit, so, on behalf of non-smokers, I salute you, and I am here to help. So, hand in your cigarettes, and I will get rid of them, one at a time.
Lily: [raspy voice] You're quitting, dollface. I know I don't normally call you "dollface," but it kind of works in this voice. Dollface.
Quote from Ted
Future Ted: [v.o.] Kids, back in 2009, your Aunt Robin was the host of a morning show for local New York cable. And it was on pretty early. How early?
[On the TV show, the camera pans down as a man is heard snoring]
ROBIN: Mike? Wake up.
Future Ted: But then, everything changed.
Robin: Hey. See my show?
Ted: Aw, I meant to watch it. I just got so busy with the whole being-sound-asleep thing. It took all night, eight hours down the drain.
Quote from How I Met Everyone Else
Barney: There's no way she's above the line on the hot-crazy scale.
Ted: She's not even on the hot-crazy scale. She's just hot.
Robin: Wait, hot-crazy scale?
Barney: Let me illustrate. A girl is allowed to be crazy, as long as she is equally hot. Thus, if she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. If she's this crazy, she has to be this hot. You want the girl to be above this line, also known as the Vicky Mendoza diagonal. This girl I dated, she played jump rope with that line. She'd shave her head, then lose ten pounds. She'd stab me with a fork, then get a boob job. I should give her a call.
Quote from The Three Days Rule
Ted: Barney, the three days rule is insane. I mean, who even came up with that?
Marshall: Barney, don't do this. Not with Jesus.
Barney: Seriously. Jesus started the whole wait 3 days thing. He waited 3 days to come back to life. It was perfect. If he have only waited one day, a lot of people wouldn't have even heard that he died. They'd be all, "Jesus, what up?" And Jesus would probably be, like, "What up? I died yesterday". And then they'd be all, "Uh, you look pretty alive to me, dude". And then he would have to explain how he was resurrected and how it was a miracle. And then, the dude would be, like, "Okay, whatever you say, bro".
Robin: Wow, ancient dialogue sounds so stilted now.
Barney: And he's not going to come back on a Saturday. Everybody's busy doing chores. Working the loom, trimming their beards. No. He waits the exact right number of days... Three.
Ted: OK, I promise, I'll wait three days. Just please stop talking.
Barney: Plus, it's Sunday, so everyone's in church already. They're all in there, "Oh, no, Jesus is dead". Then, bam! He bursts through the back door, runs up the aisle. Everyone's totally psyched. And, FYI, that's when he invented the high-five. Three days, Ted. We wait three days to call a woman because that's how long Jesus wants us to wait. True story.