Lily: You're Jenkins?
Jenkins: Yeah, well, that Camembert crisis isn't gonna resolve itself, so I'll catch you guys on the flip-flop.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Marshall cringed. This was the moment he had feared.
Lily: The famous Jenkins! How about that? Funny, I was picturing a guy. Anyhoo, lunch?
Marshall: [stammering] Wait. So you're not jealous at all?
Lily: [laughing] Sweetie, I never have to worry about you with another woman.
Marshall: Right, well, 'cause we're so hopelessly in love, right?
Lily: [laughs] Yeah, sure. Anyhoo, lunch?

Ted: Thus ending modern architecture's very brief experiment with the V-frame house.

Barney: "But, um"?
Ted: "But, um." Apparently, she says it a lot.
Barney: It's funny. I had a drinking game based on Robin, but it was actually on Robin. I'd pour Peach Schnapps
in her bellybutton...
Ted: Dude, we agreed we wouldn't do this.
Barney: Sorry. You're right. She didn't like it anyway. Said it woke her up.

Marshall: Hmm. Interesting article in the paper. Says that in every relationship there's a reacher and a settler.
Lily: Really? Let me see it.
Marshall: It's not in this newspaper. It's in one I read awhile back. This newspaper reminded me of the other newspaper. Anyhoo... What do you think about that?

Lily: Well, I guess sometimes that's the case.
Marshall: But not in ours.
Lily: What? No, of course not.
Marshall: Right. Well, say, gun to your head, you had to say one of us was the reacher.
Lily: Well, I'd say it's neither. That's what makes us great.
Marshall: Okay, now, there's a gun to my head, and our future children, and our future cat or monkey, depending on who wins the game of Risk we've been playing for three years.
Lily: Nope. No reacher, no settler.
Marshall: Mmm.
Lily: Mmm.
Marshall: Well, how about this...
Future Ted: [v.o.] This went on for a while. [fast-forward] Until finally...
Marshall: Our two kids, our eight grandkids, our 11 great-grandkids are all on a plane piloted by Oprah, and it's about to crash into an art museum with all of your favorite paintings, and the only way, the only way to save everything, is just to answer the question. Are you the reacher or the settler?
Lily: And Oprah's tried everything?
Marshall: Everything! You have to decide now!
Lily: [sighs] Well, I guess if I had to say, then maybe I'd say I'm the settler.
Marshall: How could you say that?!

Marshall: She thinks that she's the settler. I mean, that's it. I gotta prove to her that I am not the reacher. I gotta make her jealous.
Barney: Well, that's easy. Here's the plan. Step one, sleep with Jenkins. Step two, I sleep with Jenkins first. Step three, we do step two first. I'm gonna go get started on step two.

Marshall: You thought she was into me?
Ted: Full-on lady wood.
Marshall: Yes. Of course. A plan taketh shape. If Lady Lily's jealousy young Marshall cannot budge, then perchance, fair gentles, Big Fudge can make her jealous. Okay, let me try that again. If Lady Lily...
Ted: I got it, buddy. I got it.

Robin: Ted, I have got a great idea.
Ted: Is it clean your hair out of the shower drain when you're done? Seriously, it's like you're trying to carpet the tub.

Robin: If you wanted to print out one of your lectures or something, I could read it on air. Coming from a more entertaining source, your students might actually pay attention and learn something.
Ted: Oh! You're entertaining? Last night there was three minutes of dead air while you sewed a button back on your sweater.
Robin: Look, just because your class likes me more than you...
Ted: You're a drinking game!
Robin: What?
Ted: That's why they watch. They made a drinking game out of you. Every time you say "but, um," they do a shot.
Robin: "But, um"?
Ted: Yeah.
Robin: I don't say "but, um." I have never said "but, um."
Ted: Well, then I guess it's not a very good drinking game, which would mean last night, when Barney and I played it, I didn't get super wasted and throw up all over myself. [laughing] Oh, wait! I did both of those things, so face!

Lily: Hey, baby, what are you doing home?
Marshall: "Baby"? That's a name I don't deserve.
Lily: What?
Marshall: Jenkins kissed me. She kissed me. The other day she saw me play skee ball, and I don't know, I guess she caught some of the Big Fudge fever. But you have to know, I stopped it right away, and you're the only one for me, baby.
Lily: Oh, I see what this is. This is about the whole reacher-settler thing.
Marshall: Come again for Big Fudge?
Lily: You want to make me jealous, so you're making up a story about Jenkins.
Marshall: I'm not making this up! This happened! That woman kissed me, with tongue. Her tongue was in my mouth!
Lily: Sure it was.
Marshall: It was thick and rough, like a starfish arm!
Lily: I'm so jealous! I'm just gonna go over there and punch her right in the nose. Give her a knuckle sandwich! Come on, baby. You want some soup?
Marshall: It happened! Do you have any... split-pea left?