Wendy: And here's you water, in case you're dehydrated, Ted Mosby.
Ted: Ah, ah, very funny, Wendy. Now we know you watch porn.

Lily: Oh, hey, baby, how'd the interview go?
Marshall: Um, interesting. There I am in the office of Jefferson Coatsworth and I figure I'm not gonna take this job anyway, I might as well give this old bastard a piece of mind. Jefferson Coatsworth wasn't what I expected.
[flashback to Marshall in an office with a young, Asian-American man wearing a t-shirt and jeans:]
Jefferson: Marshall, Jefferson Coatsworth.
Marshall: Hello.
Jefferson: Dude, I am so, so psyched that you're here. Can I beer ya?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Marshall was thrown. This guy seemed nice. Of course, he wasn't.
[flash-forward to three years later as a suited Jefferson Coatsworth is being led out of his building in cuffs through a media scrum:]
Jefferson: Go to hell! I'd do it again! [to the cameras] I'm innocent. I'm innocent.

[flashback to Marshall in Jefferson Coatsworth's office:]
Jefferson: Let me buy you a dinner tomorrow night as a thank you, okay? You'll tell me all about the NRDC, and we'll charge it all to one of my evil clients.
Marshall: I... You know, I don't know if...
Jefferson: Marshall, you know what Kobe beef is?
Marshall: The most expensive beef in the world.
Jefferson: The place I'm taking you has Kobe lobster. That is lobster fed with Kobe beef.
[back to the gang at MacLaren's:]
Marshall: Oh my God. He's trying to seduce me.

Robin: So are you gonna go to dinner with him?
Marshall: No. No way. I promised myself to the NRDC. I'm not that kind of lawyer.
Lily: Oh, you should go. I mean, you're not gonna take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal.
Barney: [to Lily] Don't wait up.

Marshall: You can really taste the beef in that lobster.
Jefferson: Right, listen, I know we're only here to screw over my client, who quite frankly deserves it... But I gotta be able to tell the guys upstairs I gave you the spiel, okay? So, first up, starting salary. [slides a piece of paper across the table]
Marshall: Okay. Here we go. This is the big number that's supposed to impress me and... [Marshall looks at the paper] Whoa, that is a big number.
Jefferson: There's also a signing bonus, uh, use of a company car, expense account, blah, blah, blah. Hey, by the way, turn around and wave to Patrick Swayze.
Marshall: Hey, I'm going to, uh, try to remain cool. But you know Patrick Swayze?!
Jefferson: He's a client. Who do you think bought us this wine? [To Patrick] Crazy, Swayze. Cheers, buddy.

Marshall: Jeff, this is all very impressive, but I just don't think that...
Jefferson: Listen, I know, I know. You are not gonna be tempted by big numbers and fancy perks. You're gonna do the noble thing, take the low-paying job at the NRDC, live off you family money.
Marshall: Family money?
Jefferson: You do have family money, don't you?
Marshall: No, not that I know of. I do have an uncle who owns a pretty successful bait shop.
Jefferson: NRDC. No family money. Oh, so you don't plane on having kids?
Marshall: Actually, I want to have four kids.
Jefferson: Well. New York public school make a lot of parents nervous, but the kids who walk out, walk out proud.
Future Ted: [v.o.] It was turning into a tough decision. Now, kids, when I'm faced with a tough decision, I like to make a list of pros and cons. Marshall knew all cons. [Pros: Money, Security, Swayze. Cons: Evil] But there is one thing he didn't know, a big item in the pros column.

Robin: Lily, you're a kindergarten teacher?
Lily: Yeah.
Future Ted: [v.o.] Cause Robin was about to ask Lily the one question...
Robin: And you make a kindergarten teacher's salary, right?
Lily: Yeah.
Future Ted: That Lily had been dreading for years.
Robin: Well, how do you afford all of these expensive clothes?
Lily: I shop the sales. [chuckles] There were in the closet when we moved in. I steal. I'm a criminal. I once shot a man just to watch him die.
Robin: Lily?
Lily: Oh, okay.
Future Ted: [v.o.] That's when Lily showed Robin her box of shame.
Robin: Lily, this is nuts. How many credit cards do you have?
Lily: I don't know.
Robin: Well, how much do you owe?
Lily: I don't know!

Ted: Wow. I can't believe this many people love porn this much. Including that guy who works in human resources at my firm. Hey. Let's just wave at each other awkwardly. That'll make it better.

Robin: Does Marshall know?
Lily: No.
Robin: But you guys are the couple who tell each other everything. And for God's sakes, Lily, you text him while he's on the can.
Lily: Well, I just want him to know I'm rooting for him.

Robin: Wait, okay, this all makes sense. So when you said... "But you're still going to go to your job interview today, right, baby?" And then... "Oh, you should go. I mean, you're not gonna to take the job, but you might as well get a great meal out of the deal." You were pushing him into taking that high-paying corporate job.
Lily: I know. It's terrible that I was trying to get him to do that.
Robin: Terrible? He has to take it. I mean, how else are you going to pay off all that debt? Lily, you have to tell him about this before he turns down that job.
Lily: You're right. I feel awful. You know, there's a sale-
Robin: We're not going shopping.