Ted: There he is. Come on, let's go.
Barney: Why do I get so nervous around celebrities?
Ted: Hi, Ted Mosby. I'm Ted Mosby.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Ted Mosby, it's you.
Ted: Have we met?
Barney: Mr. Mosby, it is an honor to meet you, sir. Starney Binson. Barney Stinson. Damn it.

Ted Mosby Porn Star: We have met. My real name is Steve Biel. When I was in fourth grade, you were in ninth, and, and one day I was out behind the school and a bunch of seventh graders were just beating the crap out of me.
Ted: Oh, yeah, I remember. That was you?
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Yeah, but you pulled them off me. You told them to go pick on someone their own size. I vowed right then that when I made something of myself, I would honor you somehow.
Ted: So you took my name and starred in Welcome To The Sex Truck?
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Yeah.
Ted: Um. Yeah, listen, Ted, you got to stop using my name. I, I'm trying to make a career as an architect.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Architect, huh? You mean like a sex architect?
Ted: What?
Barney: Yeah, you know, you're on to something. That would make a great title of a film. Ted Mosby, Sex Architect.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: You know, I'm actually looking for a new project to shoot next Friday afternoon.
Ted: Yeah, listen, isn't, isn't there some other way you could honor me? With all due respect.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Wait, you're not mad, are you? Oh, man, I knew it. My father said, "Just plant a tree in Israel." I'm such an idiot. I guess I thought you'd be psyched.
Ted: I am. I am, it's just I feel a little guilty because I'm not the one who saved you that day. The guy who actually saved you was named... Lance Hardwood.
Barney: Lance Hardwood, yeah.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: Really? You know, you might not know this, but, in my business, that's kind of a killer name.
Ted: Yeah, I guess... I guess it is.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: I can see the poster now. Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect. Starring Ted Mosby.
Barney: I love it.

Barney: Got it, Lance Hardwood, Sex Architect starring Ted Mosby.
Ted: Terrific.
Barney: You'll notice I'm in the credits. I did some location scouting.
Ted Mosby Porn Star: [on tape] Here are the plans for the new International Sex Building.
Ted: Wow that really looks like our apartment.
Barney: It is. Oh, I should return these. [tosses Ted the keys]
Woman: [on tape] Oh, Sex Architect, you've done it again. Let's go celebrate on the couch.
[Ted, Robin, Marshall and Lily get up off the couch in disgust]

Marshall: Guys, guys, guys! Can I tell my news? It's pretty...
Ted: This is really bizarre. The only other famous Mosby I know was a confederate general during the civil war.
Barney: Probably not the same guy.

Marshall: [yelling] I got the job at the NRDC.
Ted: You got the job! Oh, yeah!
Future Ted: [v.o.] The NRDC, or Natural Resources Defense Council, fought for preserve american clean water, fresh air and to preserve's america's wilderness. It was Marshall's dream job.
Ted: Congrats, buddy.
Marshall: Thanks. It's kind of weird hugging with porn on.
Ted: Yeah, it really is.

Barney: Oh, hey, hey-o. New guy entering the cockpit. Could it be the navigator, Ted Mosby?
Ted: Uh, no. No, navigators have three stripes on their hats. Captains have four. That guy's a captain.
Barney: Yeah, and I'm sure complete accuracy in all those details was very important to the directors... "Dirt and Skank, The Raunch Brothers".

[Lily and Robin enter the apartment as the guys watch the porno:]
Marshall: Baby, I have some exciting news.
Lily: I hope it's not that you just won some sort of race here.

Marshall: I got the job at the NRDC.
Lily: Wow.
Barney: And I found a porno starring Ted Mosby.
Lily: [to Marshall] Oh my God, that's amazing!
Barney: I know, right?
Robin: Oh, congratulations, Marshall!
Barney: Congratulation for us all.
Lily: Oh, let's go celebrate.
Barney: The fact that I found a porno starring a guy named Ted Mosby... Let's do it!

Robin: Oh, is that him? Cause that Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing.
Ted: No, that's not him. What do you mean, "that" Ted Mosby really knows what he's doing?
Robin: Oh, no! No, I meant, that Ted Mosby, he really knows what he's doing. Like all Ted Mosbys. [to Marshall] Wow, NRDC! Way to go, Marshall.

Lily: But you're still gonna go to your job interview today, right, baby?
Future Ted: [v.o.] Marshall had an interview at a firm called Nicholson, Hewitt and West. They represented, well, pretty much everybody Marshall was going to sue once he started at the NRDC.
Marshall: I'm not doing that interview. Those people are evil.
Lily: Marshall, your dad went through a lot of trouble to set this up. You can't just pull out at the last second.
Robin: Apparently you can.