Marshall: Guys, I'm going environmental, okay? Phase one: the bar. I've already convinced MacLaren's to implement a new green initiative.
Wendy: That's 'cause of you? I got to carry an 80-pound bag of bottles to the recycling center every night. I threw my back out.
Marshall: You're welcome... Earth.

Marshall: Phase two: GNB. Tomorrow I'm going to make a presentation in front of the board about how we can cut our carbon footprint by half for only $12 million.
Barney: Dude, don't do that. All they're going to hear is "$12 million," and all you're going to hear is the sound of the door smacking your fired ass. And some muffled laughter. Which I apologize for in advance.

The Captain: Ted, beneath this lustrous mane, I wear the horns of a cuckold. Zoey left me for another man.
Ted: Wow. Do you have any idea who it could be?
Future Ted: [v.o.] The Captain then told a story much different than the one I'd been telling. But one maybe just as true.
The Captain: Once upon a time, Zoey and I were happy. Blissful as Arcadian shepherds. I was Poseidon, she my Amphitrite. I dare say, Scylla and Charybdis could not have torn us asunder. We had great big boners for each other. But then, enter the scoundrel. Oh, man, this movie's scary.
[fantasy scene of Ted and Zoey watching a movie. Ted sits shirtless, with a moustache, next to Zoey on the couch:]
Zoey: Oh, man, this movie's scary.
Ted: I know, eh?
[present:]
The Captain: I don't know what he looks like, but I picture him with a mustache.
Ted: Yes! Limit the search to guys with mustaches. Smart.
The Captain: Anyway, soon the inevitable happened. She told me she was in love with someone else. Obviously, it made me angry.
Ted: And that's the last time you saw her.
The Captain: But I gathered my composure, and told her I'd do anything to keep her. I begged her not to leave. We made love that night.
Ted: [spit take] That's damn good brandy.
The Captain: But morning came, and she was gone.
Ted: Oh, Captain... don't blame yourself.
The Captain: I don't blame myself.
Ted: Hmm?
The Captain: There's only one man I blame for this.

Ted: Me. I'm the bad guy.
Robin: Well, maybe to him you are, but in the story of picking up the box for Zoey, you're the hero.
Ted: Damn it! The box!

Marshall: Baby, baby, I really got to work on this presentation.
Lily: Oh, that's too bad, 'cause I was going to make a little presentation of my own.
Marshall: Okay, how about this? From now until tomorrow afternoon, I do this, and then tomorrow night, I do that.
Lily: Deal.
[As Marshall and Lily shake on it, Lily wrestles Marshall's hand towards her breasts]
Lily: Come on. Come on.
Marshall: Lily!

Barney: You lying little minx. I happened to be at Cafe L'Amour tonight from 5:00 p.m. until closing, reading a newspaper with two holes cut out of it, and I never saw Nora or this Italian race car driver she's dating.
Robin: Sorry. Who said anything about an...?
Barney: Come on, you just know he's an Italian race car driver.
Robin: No, he's not. He doesn't exist. I made the whole thing up to see if you like her. And you do. So you should just call her. Here is her number.
[Barney rips up the piece of paper Robin just gave him]
Robin: And I also programmed it into your phone while you were in the bathroom.
[Barney smashes his phone with his beer glass]
Robin: Wow. That was a joke. You just got here, remember?

[flashback to Marshall at work:]
Arthur: Who here supports Eriksen's proposal?
Meeker: Well, he has some good points.
Arthur: Meeker, you're fired! And as for you, Eriksen...
Man: His father just died.
Arthur: ...nice presentation. We'll keep it under advisement.

Marshall: Meeker got fired because of me. I'm the bad guy.
Lily: No, sweetie, just- Just put all that out of your mind and relax. Look, I got you a six-pack of tall boys from the deli.
Marshall: Hey, baby. Yeah? What happened to the plastic rings that held the six-pack together?
Lily: Oh, I-I don't know. I threw them down the garbage chute. Let's just use the handcuffs instead.
Marshall: Baby, birds can get caught in those and then they dwown in a sea of wubbish! Weren't you listening? Don't you care about Garbage Island?
Lily: Marshall, right now, I don't give a wat's ass about Garbage Island.
Marshall: Well, I do. I got to find those rings!
Lily: Cwap.

Ted: Hi, I'm here to pick up...
The Captain: Hello, Ted.
Ted: To the study?
The Captain: To the study!

The Captain: Ted... I know.
Ted: Know what?
The Captain: I know who stole my Zoey. No man likes to be betrayed, especially by a friend. You can imagine then how painful it was when I learned that the name of my betrayer is... Ted... when I tell you who it is, you're gonna... [imitates explosion] It's my doorman!
Ted: That son of a bitch!