Randy: Why don't you get the snake out, Dad?
Tim: Why don't you shut up, Randy? [boys groan]
Randy: Dad, stick your finger in the light. When the snake bites it, pull him out.
Tim: [chuckles] Can we talk? Maybe you didn't hear Dad the first time. Shut up.

Jill: I've got the exterminator. But he says he can't come for an hour.
Tim: An hour? Where's he gonna crawl in an hour?
Jill: OK. He says you should look in the light fixture and see if the snake is still there.
Tim: Can I talk to him for a minute?
Jill: Yeah.
Tim: [takes the phone] Uh-huh... Uh-huh... Oh, you're right. [to Jill] He says look in the light fixture and see if he's still there.

Jill: What did he say?
Tim: He says reach in that little tiny opening. Get that little tiny snake by the back of his little tiny neck. Pull him out of that little tiny hole. And put him gently in a pillowcase.
Jill: You're gonna do that?
Tim: That's his plan. My plan... I'm gonna rip that light fixture off that wall... shove that into a pillowcase.

Tim: There it is, boys. Plan your work, work your plan. The key to success.
Brad: Dad?
Tim: Yeah?
Brad: There's a snake behind you.
Tim: Oh, I bet there is!
Randy: Dad, he's serious. It's right behind you.
Tim: Does it have the card of death in its mouth? You know, guys, I fell for that trick this morning. Toolbox, remember that? You can take a practical joke too far, you know.
Randy: Dad, we're not joking. It's moving towards you.
Tim: Why don't I just open my shirt and let him crawl right in?
Jill: Tim, the snake wasn't in the bag.
Tim: The snake is in my shirt!

Tim: Hi, Mark.
Mark: Hey.
Tim: Having an apple?
Mark: Yeah.
Tim: I like apples when they're peeled, but to peel one, what would you need? You'd need a knife, wouldn't you? Hmm, boy. Oh, wait a minute, I got one. I'll just peel that for you. Use this knife here.
Mark: Oh, maybe I'll have a banana.
Tim: Or maybe you'll sit down.

Tim: Oh! You awake?
Jill: No.
Tim: I think all those golabkis I ate turned into one big golabki. Ih. It's wedged between my head and my heinie, honey.
Jill: Go to sleep.
Tim: I can't. Do we have any of those little minty, chalky, chewy stomach thingies?
Jill: There's the liquid stuff downstairs.
Tim: Oh, would you go get it for me?
Jill: I didn't overeat. Why should I have to get up in the middle of the night?
Tim: 'Cause in a second you'll want to be getting out of this bed anyway. Oh.

Tim: Brad, you don't need to take apart the flathead. We're not putting this old motor in the new hot rod.
Brad: Dad, this engine's in a lot better condition than we thought.
Tim: Doesn't matter. I wasn't gonna use it anyway.
Brad: What kind of engine are we going with?
Tim: I haven't decided yet.
Brad: You haven't decided for five months.
Tim: Well, I'm gonna think about it. Putting a motor in a hot rod is the most important decision a man can make.
Brad: I thought marriage was the most important.
Tim: Well, marriage, engine in a hot rod - they'll be debating that till the end of time.

Brad: Well, I still think we oughta use this flathead.
Tim: Brad, look, this is a serious hot rod. It's gonna need some serious power, buddy.
Brad: [scoffs] Power isn't everything.
Tim: Bite your tongue, Brad.
Brad: Dad, this whole car is going to be retro. I mean, we could still soup up this flathead and get plenty of power.
Tim: Flathead? We can't get the same horsepower out if it as we can get out of a big-block - a 427, 454.

Tim: What is this thing?
Brad: It's a ponytail.
Tim: Why did you do that to yourself?
Brad: Well, I went to the barber shop, I saw the picture and I thought it looked cool.
Tim: You look like an idiot.
Jill: Tim, just give it some time. You're gonna get used to it.
Tim: I don't want to get used to it.
Jill: Yes, you do.
Tim: No, I don't. Wait. I don't understand. None of your other friends have haircuts like this.
Brad: I mean, you're the one who's always telling me not to be like my friends. I mean, if all my friends jumped in a lake, would you want me to?
Tim: With hair like this, I'd ask you to join in.

Jill: OK, OK. One of my best qualities as an actress is I can take direction. So, I'm just gonna take this down a notch, and let's do it again.
Randy: Mom, can I remind you I'm the one trying out for the play?
Jill: Yeah, yeah, I know, I know. Come on, come on!
Randy: "I doubt it not, and all these woes shall serve for sweet discourses in our times to come."
Jill: "O God! I have an ill-divining soul! Methinks I see thee, now thou art below, as one dead..."
Tim: You know, me thinketh she stinketh.