Brad: So you're measuring for the new engine? Obviously, you're not listening to me.
Tim: I thought you didn't care about the hot rod, Brad.
Brad: [scoffs] I don't. If you want to mess it up by sticking in the wrong engine, that's your business. You're not going to have any help from me anyway.
Tim: I don't need your help, Brad.
Brad: Fine.
Tim: Well, fine.
Brad: Double fine!
Tim: Fine, fine, fine! [to Mark] Did I mention that you're my favorite son?

Tim: Speaking of combustion... Hold on a second. Any of you guys out there blow up at one of your sons 'cause he came home with a bad haircut?
Kendall: Oh, yeah.
Tim: Yeah? You?
Kendall: Yeah.
Tim: You feel like talking about it?
Kendall: Sure.
Tim: Come on! Give him a Tool Time welcome! Get the guy down here!
Al: We're supposed to be talking about the environment.
Tim: Yeah, this is called "hair" pollution.
[Tim hides Al away behind a closing wall panel]
Al: Tim. Tim! Tim! Tim!
Tim: My kid destroyed the environment of my house with a psycho Barbie haircut.

Tim: Hi, honey. How's it going?
Jill: I got a problem.
Tim: What's the matter?
Jill: Wilson's a more convincing 13-year-old girl than I am.
Tim: And you think you have the problem?

Tim: Can we talk for a minute?
Brad: If it's about my hair, forget it.
Tim: It is about your hair. Now, listen up. I've been thinking about it, and I'm able to look past your hair... right into your bald scalp. [Brad scoffs] That's OK if that's the look you're going for.
Brad: So, what are you saying, Dad?
Tim: I'm saying wear your hair however you want it.
Brad: So, you're really OK with it?
Tim: I'm OK with it.
Brad: Then why did you get so crazy about it in the first place?
Tim: 'Cause I didn't like what I saw when I first walked in the house.

Tim: I need some help measuring the chassis for the new motor. Can you come downstairs and help me out?
Brad: I guess. But I guess that means you're going with the big-block?
Tim: Yeah, I have to. Everybody's doing it, you know?
Brad: So if everybody jumped in a lake, you would do it, too?
Tim: [grunts] Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Where have I heard this before?
Brad: Dad, we can still soup up the old flathead and get the power you want. I mean, look at this guy. He's got 350 horsepower on that flathead. [grunts]
Tim: You know, the retro look might actually work for the hot rod.
Brad: See? It sounds pretty good.
Tim: Yeah, there's a place in Dundee. Motor City Flatheads. We'll go check them out.

Wilson: But who has the time when there's so much TV to watch?
Randy: Wilson just bought a Montesushi 700.
Wilson: That's right. With cone filter, PlP, surround sound and splendovision.
Tim: [grunting] Oh, I love splendovision!

Al: Why don't we take some audience questions while Tim lathers up this ruggedly handsome balloon?
Heidi: All right, any questions? Yes, sir?
Ben: Uh, no matter what kind of razor I use, I cut myself. What do you recommend to stop the bleeding?
Heidi: Grow a beard. [snorts]
Al: I recommend a styptic pencil.
Tim: You don't want to use toilet paper. Otherwise, you have squares over your face with the red dots in them. Looks like your face is covered with little Japanese flags. Very embarrassing down at the VFW Hall, I'll tell you that.

Jill: Since you're staying, would you load the dishwasher?
Tim: Why not? Now that you've broken my spirit.
Jill: Tim, this job is important to me. Aren't you excited about me going back to work?
Tim: Yeah, sure.
Jill: "Yeah, sure." Could you maybe work up a little enthusiasm?
Tim: I'm sorry, honey. Gosh, I'm excited that you won't be laying around the house mooching off the boys and me. [groans as Jill spanks him] Oh, do the other side. Oh, I'm your love slave.

Tim: Come on, what's the big deal? Everybody likes to be scared. It's fun.
Jill: Fun?
Randy: Dad.
Tim: What is it? God. Look. Holy...!
Randy: I found a snakeskin.
Tim: Ha! This is fun. This is fun.

Jill: First you sneak out while you are grounded, now you're breaking windows. What is going on?
Brad: I wasn't trying to break them.
Tim: What, did you miss science class or something? You throw a brick at a window, you expect it to stick?
Brad: I was trying to throw it over the greenhouse.
Tim: Oh... he was throwing it over. Well, that's great.