Wilson: Well, Jill, the renowned psychiatrist lrvin D. Yalom postulated that men relieve their isolation by bonding over common fears and experiences.
Jill: Oh, please, Yalom was talking about universality as it applies to formal therapy, not a bunch of guys sitting around dumping on their wives.
Wilson: [momentarily speechless] Well, well, well- That's an excellent point. However, knowing Tim, I'm sure it was just an innocent exchange bearing no real malice. [chuckles] As Freud so humorously pointed out, "Sometimes a cigar is just a cigar."
Jill: That is such a crock. As Carl Jung says: "if people can be educated to see the lowly side of their own natures, then they might also understand their fellow man or woman better."
Wilson: With due respect to Jung, I believe it was Bruno Bettelheim...
Jill: Oh, don't Bettelheim me. Tim was talking about me behind my back, and you know what Andrea Dworkin says about that.
Wilson: Well, actually, I don't.
Jill: She says that if women talk about people behind their backs, it's "gossip," but if men do it, it's "male bonding."
Wilson: You know, Jill, ever since you decided to go back to school, you've made things so very, very hard on me.

Tim: Something else I figured out we might do. I'm gonna take you to see those three tenors that you love on PBS. Paparazzi, Manicotti and Flamingo. [imitating opera singer]
Jill: Tim, you just named a photographer, a food and a hotel.
Tim: I don't care what they do, they sing great.
Jill: Well, that would be really nice, because... it's always been my fantasy to be with a man who enjoyed doing the same things I do. You know, like taking me to the opera, the ballet, the theater.
Tim: That's my fantasy too.
Jill: Really?
Tim: Mm-hm. If I could find that man, I wouldn't have to go myself.

Harry: How's it going?
Tim: Well, I'm numb. I just spent three of the most boring hours of my life at the library.
Eddie: Three hours?
Harry: You know, I think if you put together all the time I've ever spent in a library, it wouldn't come out to be three hours.
Tim: God, who would have guessed?

Harry: I tell you what kills me - is when my wife wants to talk about our "relationship."
Tim: Like you have one. No, wait. I got a better one. My wife's studying psychology right now. Boy, is she boring when she yammers on about these terms - neurotic, psychotic, halitosis, neurosis, cirrhosis, I don't know. Dysfunction, dat function, your function.
Harry: My wife is much more boring.
Eddie: No one is as boring as my wife.
Tim: When my wife talks psychology, she is the big bopper of boredom. So I got this great strategy, right. This is cool. I just pretend like I'm listening and fade her out and just go, "Whuh-huh."
Al: You guys, I'm telling you, maybe it's 'cause I'm new to my relationship, but I like talking to Ilene.
Tim, Harry & Eddie: Whuh-huh, whuh-huh, whuh-huh.
Al: It's true. I find everything she says fascinating and illuminating.
Tim, Harry & Eddie: Whuh-huh, whuh-huh, whuh-huh.
Tim: Al, that's 'cause in your relationship, you are the boring one.

Heidi: Does everybody know what time it is?
Audience: Tool Time!
Heidi: That's right, it's Rock-'n'-Roll day on Tool Time, with those rocking tool men, Tim Taylor and Al Borland. Whoo! [dances]
Tim: Heidi. Heidi. Heidi! [Heidi finally walks off]

Al: All right, well, if you remember, I told you that we've already bent our wood. Now we're ready to make the legs and posts of our chair, using the Binford 6100 variable-speed wood lathe.
Tim: That's right. Now, we first use a rough gouge to take off the square edges. Then Al will use the half-inch round nose to start shaping our piece. Marv, bring the camera and let's take a look at this thing.
Al: There are various types of patterns to shape your legs. Or you can do it freehand. It's a very difficult skill to master. You might wanna practice on a spare piece of wood.
Tim: That's right. That's good advice. I'll give you more good advice. Always think safety when working with a spinning lathe. You'll notice I didn't wear a necktie. We get a lot of letters about this. You want nothing hanging down and no loose clothing. The possibility... [Tim's shirt is ripped off after getting caught in the lathe] Let me finish. Sometimes... if you get too close to a lathe, you can lose an article of clothing. Is it a little chilly in here?

Mark: Guess what I have.
Randy: Rabies.
Mark: No. This videotape. I heard Mom and Dad arguing about it last night, so then I came down and got the tape.
Randy: Hey, that was pretty sneaky.
Brad: You know, Mark, if you keep this up, you might actually turn into a person.
Mark: Thanks. I really wanna be a person.

Harry: [on tape] T-Tool Man. you have shown me the way! Because of you, [looks down] I now realize how much I love talking to my wife about her needs.
Jill: That is realistic dialogue.
Eddie: [on tape] Tool Man, you are the greatest. [looks down] You have shown me the love that I have for my mife. Your W's look like M's, that's why I said "mife"
Jill: Your W's do look like M's.
Tim: [on tape] Well, it's good we got in touch with our true feelings because I certainly didn't mean to hurt my wife, and I hope that she knows that.
Jill: Yeah, yeah, she knows that. [stilted] Tool Man, you are the greatest. I am so happy to be your mife.

Tim: You know how men talk. You and your girlfriends do the same thing.
Jill: That is not true. I have never once said anything behind your back that I haven't said to your face.
Tim: That just proves I'm more sensitive than you.
Jill: Oh, how does it prove that?
Tim: If I have something to say about you, I have the courtesy to take it to a hardware store and say it in front of strangers.
Jill: That's insane.
Tim: It was a conversation you should've never heard.
Jill: It was a conversation that you never should have had.
Tim: It was a conversation you shouldn't have seen.
Jill: This conversation is over.
Tim: Well, that's good because I'm sick of saying the word "conversation."

Brad: Mom saw this and Dad's still alive?
Randy: Yeah, well, the night is still young.
Tim: [enters] Hey, shut that off. You guys shouldn't be watching that.
Brad: Why not?
Tim: Why? Because it's private adult stuff. You wouldn't understand.
Randy: You're making fun of Mom. What's so hard to understand?
Tim: I'm not making fun of Mom. I'm making fun of my wife.
Randy: Dad, I don't know if you realize this, but they're the same person.